I am not sure what came over me tonight, but I needed to write something. Or, maybe not so much write something as just express a mess of emotions and hopefully see if anyone else has experienced similar things. I guess that's a naive thing to say - I think a lot of others have experienced similar emotions. I am just not always very good at expressing faults that I see no way of easily fixing... but here goes.
I'm posting on another blog right now, but it's about running and Kenya, and seeing as my thoughts tonight have nothing to do with either, I thought I should write something here.
Tonight I sat down to read my bible - which certainly doesn't happen every night. I found myself unsure of what to read or what to think or what kind of state to try to get myself into. No matter how much I've grown and matured spiritually in my life, I've continued to have this same struggle since I was in high school, probably. Fantastic! I've heard of people - who are probably much stronger spiritually than I am, or just more trusting - say things like, "Today I just asked God to lead my bible-reading time, and I flipped open to _______ and it was exactly what I needed to read." So, when I'm feeling distant from God and lazy (which is more often than I'd like to admit), I sometimes think, ok I'll just open my bible and read a passage and see what it says to me. And then I read like, one of the lineages in the Old Testament, and I'm like, crap I didn't get anything out of that. Should've tried harder to "randomly flip" to Romans. I don't always treat my bible reading like roullette, obviously, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I often don't even know how to approach my bible reading time with God. I just feel like I spend so much of my time wrapped up in my own thoughts, goals, ideas, etc... that when I'm forced to be silent in front of God, I just don't know what to say or do or think. And I always think to myself - well, someday, I'll be spending hours a day studying the word and being in prayer, and this will all come easily to me. I won't feel like an imposter. Maybe that's too strong of a word for this scenario, but it's late and I can't think of a less-strong word that sort of means the same thing. But, how do I expect that to happen? And, is it even a matter of spending a lot of time and energy? Or does my heart just need to change? I cannot change myself - that is one thing I've learned for sure in the past year or so. But, God can change my heart, and I feel like I am not open to it, so often. So consequently, I do not change, which is so frustrating.
So, tonight, I read for a bit (mmmmmm 30 seconds) and then got annoyed that I wasn't doing anything useful or feeling anything, so I stopped. And I just felt God say to me, just calm down! I think I shove things off - my emotions, my struggles - because it seems to hard to deal with everything. I have a picture of myself as I'd like to be - healthy, joyful, committed, vulnerable, accessible - and then I have the reality of who I am now, and it's hard to figure out how I get from the reality to the hope on my own. Because I think I should be able to do it on my own. I think I try to focus on how I think my life should be, and how I want it to be, but then I get so overwhelmed because some things that I want aren't my present reality. And I don't see how or when they might be my reality. Mixed in with that is comparison to other people, as well as comparing my present state with how I wish things would be. I've always been a believer that this sort of self-reflection can be a good thing, because it can force you to see, "ok if I'm not satisfied, WHY am I not satisfied? Can I change it?" But, I don't know - I guess it can be good, but it can also be paralyzing. I feel like God is saying to me, just focus on ME. Look straight at me - not at my friends who I compare myself to, not to other people who have the jobs/lifestyles I wish I had, not to my vision of who I wish I could be - just focus on me. That is so hard to do. Is it just me? I know we all have spiritual struggles, but I don't know if this is something that is just insanely hard for everyone. So, I will try. I don't really even know what trying looks like. Maybe it's a discipline thing. How do you keep from focusing on your own plans and ambitions, and your friends and other people who have what you think you want? This may all be very basic, but it's what is stifling me, spiritually, right now.
Anyway, that's all I have for now. Kudos to you if you read through all that. I won't even try to wrap this up nicely because I feel unsettled, so if this post sounds unsettling, I guess that's fine.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
sunday night thoughts
this is one of my favorite times of the week - sunday night.
i used to hate this time - in college, around this time every sunday night, i'd be worried about the homework or papers or studying i'd put off all weekend. i typically dreaded monday mornings for that reason. now, though, i kind of love this time. my sundays are typically very refreshing and relaxing. i could go to bed at any moment (and i probably will pretty soon), and when i wake up in the morning i'll be well-rested - instead of freaking out b/c i have to do some homework before an 8 a.m. class.
i've never appreciated the weekends quite like i do now.
well, the last time i wrote, i had just returned from my survivor audition. as i'm sure you're all on pins and needles waiting to hear an update, i can tell you that i haven't yet heard back from CBS. key word being "yet," because i'm sure they'll call soon... i'm holding out hope.
anyway, today i went to the art museum in chicago. i love anything that's free - and this month, the art museum has free admission every day! i figure the $5 chai tea i bought before we went to the museum sort of cancels out the free museum admission, but whatever. anyway, we decided to take advantage of the free museum, along with about half the city of chicago. i normally dislike crowds, but today i didn't really mind. it's nice to see a bunch of different people all enjoying the same art. it's even cool to see parents with their little kids looking at the exhibits. i kept thinking that it was so cool that these kids were being exposed to different types of art early in life - but it's very possible that the kids were bored and couldn't wait to get past all the boring art and get some hot chocolate or something. maybe i'm too idealistic.
anyway, there was a Yousuf Karsh exhibit at the museum, and it was amazing. i love photography, but i often don't hold photographers in the same esteem as say, painters or sculptors, because it just doesn't seem as difficult. i often think "if i had a more expensive camera, i could take a picture like that" (which i'm sure is a stupid, naive opinion - but it's my opinion). but seeing karsh's photographs up close was so amazing. they were so beautiful. it really is an art. to be able to capture a person's thoughts and vibes and life experiences in one photograph is really incredible. and that's what his photos do. i was actually taken aback by some of the photographs - i would look at them and they would seem so lifelike and real and vibrant, like they were just taken yesterday - and then i would read on the little information plaque that they were actually taken 60 or 70 years ago. it was quite shocking and beautiful. my favorite one is this one of ernest hemingway: http://karsh.org/#/the_work/portraits/ernest_hemingway/.
so this weekend i also started liking a couple of new things - arrested development and david sedaris. and yes, i am writing this in 2009. as a general rule, i like to get into things when they're no longer trendy. i had seen some random episodes of AD, and always thought it was funny, but i never had the commitment to watch the entire show in its entirety. and yes, i was aware that it wasn't even that long. on friday and saturday, i watched the first 5 episodes and i was like, wow this is really good! why have i not ever watched it all the way through before? i typically lack commitment with tv shows, i guess.
i also started reading a david sedaris book today, which is hilarious! i've read short excerpts of his stuff before, and have always found it funny, but again, always lacked the commitment to read a whole book. he's laugh out loud funny, though. literally, i laughed out loud on the train. i can imagine that was annoying and/or weird for the guy sitting directly in front of me.
i don't know why i resist things (books, movies, tv shows) that i know i would probably enjoy if i just dedicated a little bit of time. this is probably representative of bigger emotional/psychological things within me, but i won't get into that. anyway, i think i don't like to be trendy. i like to either be on the early or late end of trends. i do credit myself with being early on several trends - i loved freaks and geeks before the whole judd apatow crowd was famous (actually, i guess i can credit my parents with that one!), i liked 30 rock before most people knew it was even on tv, and one time i got a pair of earrings that ended up in some fashion magazine after i'd had them for a while (actually they were a gift from someone - no matter.)
typically, though, i am not trendy or cool enough to catch onto a trend right before or right as it's becoming cool. some people are very good at being indie or trendy, but i am just not. i think there's a fine line between being actually indie/cool and simply trying to be cool. anybody with a little spare time and a somewhat active imagination can go to myspace, type in a phrase like "thursdays at the movies" and see if it's the name of a band (it probably is. those indie bands all have names that are so simple that you think they must have a deeper meaning), and then buy one of their albums (unless they're so new they don't even have a record deal yet, which means Bonus Indie Points!). anyway, i just don't have the energy to do that. however, there are other people who are just naturally drawn to music, movies, tv shows, or fashion that are kind of under-the-radar, and they like these things because they actually enjoy them - not just so they can say they were the first one to like them (guilty! see above paragraph). these are the true cool people. they are born that way, i assume.
so, since i cannot ever be the latter, and i really do not want to be the former, i have resigned myself to being the person who sometimes likes indie-ish things (although i normally have to give credit to other people for introducing me to such things), but who doesn't feel bad about liking low-brow things like jack black movies and justin timberlake.
i don't mind being incredibly late on trends, though. like 15 years late, in the case of david sedaris. or maybe more than that. when did he become famous? i don't know. in keeping with the spirit of this entry, i will not google it to see if i should be embarassed by my lack of knowledge about a book i just bought. oh well - it's kind of nice to jump on the bandwagon incredibly late, because that way i can be sure something is of a high enough quality to stay around for a while. are people still going to be talking about the secret five years from now? probably not, but we ARE still talking about anna karenina 130 years after it was written, and they're both in oprah's book club, so you see, sometimes it's difficult to judge these things. i like to let things stand the test of time a little bit before deciding whether or not to embrace them. sometimes you just have to wait decades or centuries to see whether or not something's really worth the effort.
in regard to a couple of things, i have jumped on the bandwagon so late that i don't know if you can really even call it "jumping on the bandwagon" anymore. i mean, i'm so late that the bandwagon is already in the next town. (i'm not sure if i'm using this metaphor correctly anymore) - anyway, i recently started watching LOST, which is so great. i totally missed the exciting first season, the equally exciting second season, the lackluster third season (during which many fans stopped watching - but i, the superfan, had not even begun watching yet), the much-better fourth season (during which people who had been fans since the beginning told people to start watching again, because it was getting good again. at this point, i am still living comfortably in my lost-free world). anyway, i was about mmmm 6 years late on the trend, but i don't regret it. sure, i spent a couple of weekends (that are gone forever and that i will never get back - but really, would i want to?) frying my brain watching 12 episodes a day in order to catch up. but i don't mind, because i now have a new favorite tv show. and those people who have been fans since the beginning? do they have anything i don't? less shame, maybe - but that's it.
ahh so anyway...
my clock is ticking toward 10 p.m. which means i need to get to bed soon! i'm pretty excited for the upcoming week, mainly because i am going to see jason mraz in concert on tuesday! it will be my fourth time seeing him, so i think that qualifies me as some sort of modern-day groupie or something. not in a bad way, just in a lover-of-the-music sort of way, i guess. i am hoping, in vain, that he sings his version "a hard rain's a gonna fall." jason mraz + that song = lots of my favorite musical-ly things going on at the same time.
thanks for reading, and again, i apologize for my over-eager use of paranthetical expressions!
i used to hate this time - in college, around this time every sunday night, i'd be worried about the homework or papers or studying i'd put off all weekend. i typically dreaded monday mornings for that reason. now, though, i kind of love this time. my sundays are typically very refreshing and relaxing. i could go to bed at any moment (and i probably will pretty soon), and when i wake up in the morning i'll be well-rested - instead of freaking out b/c i have to do some homework before an 8 a.m. class.
i've never appreciated the weekends quite like i do now.
well, the last time i wrote, i had just returned from my survivor audition. as i'm sure you're all on pins and needles waiting to hear an update, i can tell you that i haven't yet heard back from CBS. key word being "yet," because i'm sure they'll call soon... i'm holding out hope.
anyway, today i went to the art museum in chicago. i love anything that's free - and this month, the art museum has free admission every day! i figure the $5 chai tea i bought before we went to the museum sort of cancels out the free museum admission, but whatever. anyway, we decided to take advantage of the free museum, along with about half the city of chicago. i normally dislike crowds, but today i didn't really mind. it's nice to see a bunch of different people all enjoying the same art. it's even cool to see parents with their little kids looking at the exhibits. i kept thinking that it was so cool that these kids were being exposed to different types of art early in life - but it's very possible that the kids were bored and couldn't wait to get past all the boring art and get some hot chocolate or something. maybe i'm too idealistic.
anyway, there was a Yousuf Karsh exhibit at the museum, and it was amazing. i love photography, but i often don't hold photographers in the same esteem as say, painters or sculptors, because it just doesn't seem as difficult. i often think "if i had a more expensive camera, i could take a picture like that" (which i'm sure is a stupid, naive opinion - but it's my opinion). but seeing karsh's photographs up close was so amazing. they were so beautiful. it really is an art. to be able to capture a person's thoughts and vibes and life experiences in one photograph is really incredible. and that's what his photos do. i was actually taken aback by some of the photographs - i would look at them and they would seem so lifelike and real and vibrant, like they were just taken yesterday - and then i would read on the little information plaque that they were actually taken 60 or 70 years ago. it was quite shocking and beautiful. my favorite one is this one of ernest hemingway: http://karsh.org/#/the_work/portraits/ernest_hemingway/.
so this weekend i also started liking a couple of new things - arrested development and david sedaris. and yes, i am writing this in 2009. as a general rule, i like to get into things when they're no longer trendy. i had seen some random episodes of AD, and always thought it was funny, but i never had the commitment to watch the entire show in its entirety. and yes, i was aware that it wasn't even that long. on friday and saturday, i watched the first 5 episodes and i was like, wow this is really good! why have i not ever watched it all the way through before? i typically lack commitment with tv shows, i guess.
i also started reading a david sedaris book today, which is hilarious! i've read short excerpts of his stuff before, and have always found it funny, but again, always lacked the commitment to read a whole book. he's laugh out loud funny, though. literally, i laughed out loud on the train. i can imagine that was annoying and/or weird for the guy sitting directly in front of me.
i don't know why i resist things (books, movies, tv shows) that i know i would probably enjoy if i just dedicated a little bit of time. this is probably representative of bigger emotional/psychological things within me, but i won't get into that. anyway, i think i don't like to be trendy. i like to either be on the early or late end of trends. i do credit myself with being early on several trends - i loved freaks and geeks before the whole judd apatow crowd was famous (actually, i guess i can credit my parents with that one!), i liked 30 rock before most people knew it was even on tv, and one time i got a pair of earrings that ended up in some fashion magazine after i'd had them for a while (actually they were a gift from someone - no matter.)
typically, though, i am not trendy or cool enough to catch onto a trend right before or right as it's becoming cool. some people are very good at being indie or trendy, but i am just not. i think there's a fine line between being actually indie/cool and simply trying to be cool. anybody with a little spare time and a somewhat active imagination can go to myspace, type in a phrase like "thursdays at the movies" and see if it's the name of a band (it probably is. those indie bands all have names that are so simple that you think they must have a deeper meaning), and then buy one of their albums (unless they're so new they don't even have a record deal yet, which means Bonus Indie Points!). anyway, i just don't have the energy to do that. however, there are other people who are just naturally drawn to music, movies, tv shows, or fashion that are kind of under-the-radar, and they like these things because they actually enjoy them - not just so they can say they were the first one to like them (guilty! see above paragraph). these are the true cool people. they are born that way, i assume.
so, since i cannot ever be the latter, and i really do not want to be the former, i have resigned myself to being the person who sometimes likes indie-ish things (although i normally have to give credit to other people for introducing me to such things), but who doesn't feel bad about liking low-brow things like jack black movies and justin timberlake.
i don't mind being incredibly late on trends, though. like 15 years late, in the case of david sedaris. or maybe more than that. when did he become famous? i don't know. in keeping with the spirit of this entry, i will not google it to see if i should be embarassed by my lack of knowledge about a book i just bought. oh well - it's kind of nice to jump on the bandwagon incredibly late, because that way i can be sure something is of a high enough quality to stay around for a while. are people still going to be talking about the secret five years from now? probably not, but we ARE still talking about anna karenina 130 years after it was written, and they're both in oprah's book club, so you see, sometimes it's difficult to judge these things. i like to let things stand the test of time a little bit before deciding whether or not to embrace them. sometimes you just have to wait decades or centuries to see whether or not something's really worth the effort.
in regard to a couple of things, i have jumped on the bandwagon so late that i don't know if you can really even call it "jumping on the bandwagon" anymore. i mean, i'm so late that the bandwagon is already in the next town. (i'm not sure if i'm using this metaphor correctly anymore) - anyway, i recently started watching LOST, which is so great. i totally missed the exciting first season, the equally exciting second season, the lackluster third season (during which many fans stopped watching - but i, the superfan, had not even begun watching yet), the much-better fourth season (during which people who had been fans since the beginning told people to start watching again, because it was getting good again. at this point, i am still living comfortably in my lost-free world). anyway, i was about mmmm 6 years late on the trend, but i don't regret it. sure, i spent a couple of weekends (that are gone forever and that i will never get back - but really, would i want to?) frying my brain watching 12 episodes a day in order to catch up. but i don't mind, because i now have a new favorite tv show. and those people who have been fans since the beginning? do they have anything i don't? less shame, maybe - but that's it.
ahh so anyway...
my clock is ticking toward 10 p.m. which means i need to get to bed soon! i'm pretty excited for the upcoming week, mainly because i am going to see jason mraz in concert on tuesday! it will be my fourth time seeing him, so i think that qualifies me as some sort of modern-day groupie or something. not in a bad way, just in a lover-of-the-music sort of way, i guess. i am hoping, in vain, that he sings his version "a hard rain's a gonna fall." jason mraz + that song = lots of my favorite musical-ly things going on at the same time.
thanks for reading, and again, i apologize for my over-eager use of paranthetical expressions!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
i'm a survivor, i'm not gon' give up!
well it's very late, and i'm very tired...
but today i did something new and exciting and i thought i should share. i drove to peoria (my first foray into the southernish part of illinois!) to audition for survivor. yes, the actual, real, cbs, jeff-probst-hosted survivor. since it was being held at a thing called "family fest" i was a little nervous that it might be a "hometown idol"-type thing... like "peoria's survivor!" or something fake like that. but no, it was a real audition for survivor! legit!
i took the trip w/ my roommate julie, who is both adventurous AND willing to wake up at 7 am on a saturday. we passed through several extremely small towns... including el paso, illinois. for some reason, i pity small towns whose names are more easily recongizable as names of bigger cities. like "paris, texas." it's just weird to me. now, i have "lived" in illinois since the fall of 2004, but i've never been anywhere other than chicago and chicago's suburbs. it's actually a huge state outside of those areas, which should be obvious but wasn't to me.
we arrived in peoria safely due to my new GPS system that my parents bought me for christmas, i think both because they love me and pity my extremely poor navigation skills. anyway that thing is AMAZING! and it fixes your mistakes for you! julie and i would probably still be stuck in eureka (home of ronald reagan's alma mater!) if not for this incredible invention.
so julie and i arrived at the peoria convention center and paid $5 (RIP-OFF if you're not using the opportunity to audition for survivor), entered some door prize competitions, found the survivor booth, and started scoping out the competition. and honestly, there wasn't much competition. there was a guy missing some teeth, and another guy who was SUPER INTENSE. his "interview" basically sounded like he was just reading his resume, but in a super intense voice. intense is really the only way i can describe him. i was intimidated but not defeated.
anyway, so julie and i filled out our applications (which took about half an hour), answering questions like "who is your hero and why?" and "describe your perfect day" and "what would you NOT do for one million dollars?"
answering these questions was both a joy and a burden. i mean, i love surveys, but also hate things that feel like homework. hmm.
after filling them out, we waited in a very short line to get our chance to really shine in front of the camera. and by "shine," i mean stutter, stumble, gesticulate awkwardly, and BS my way through a 2-minute monologue about why i should be on the 19th (yes, 19th) season of survivor. to give you a little taste of how classy and prepared i was, my on-camera monologue consisted of the following reasons as to why CBS should pick me:
1. it's COLD in illinois and i'd like to go to a desert island
2. i'm young and adventurous (i know, this is an extremely unique answer - one i'm sure the producers have yet to hear)
3. i want to be a co-host on "the view," so i'm just trying to follow in elizabeth hasselbeck's footsteps (she got her start on "survivor" - imdb it!)
and of course, in order to be super classy, i ended by singing a few lines from the destiny's child classic, "survivor."
so basically, i think i'm a shoe-in.
not but seriously - my audition was disjointed, ill-prepared, awkward, and a little condescending toward CBS, i think. and i think my application was probably too sarcastic. but it was a very fun morning!
but today i did something new and exciting and i thought i should share. i drove to peoria (my first foray into the southernish part of illinois!) to audition for survivor. yes, the actual, real, cbs, jeff-probst-hosted survivor. since it was being held at a thing called "family fest" i was a little nervous that it might be a "hometown idol"-type thing... like "peoria's survivor!" or something fake like that. but no, it was a real audition for survivor! legit!
i took the trip w/ my roommate julie, who is both adventurous AND willing to wake up at 7 am on a saturday. we passed through several extremely small towns... including el paso, illinois. for some reason, i pity small towns whose names are more easily recongizable as names of bigger cities. like "paris, texas." it's just weird to me. now, i have "lived" in illinois since the fall of 2004, but i've never been anywhere other than chicago and chicago's suburbs. it's actually a huge state outside of those areas, which should be obvious but wasn't to me.
we arrived in peoria safely due to my new GPS system that my parents bought me for christmas, i think both because they love me and pity my extremely poor navigation skills. anyway that thing is AMAZING! and it fixes your mistakes for you! julie and i would probably still be stuck in eureka (home of ronald reagan's alma mater!) if not for this incredible invention.
so julie and i arrived at the peoria convention center and paid $5 (RIP-OFF if you're not using the opportunity to audition for survivor), entered some door prize competitions, found the survivor booth, and started scoping out the competition. and honestly, there wasn't much competition. there was a guy missing some teeth, and another guy who was SUPER INTENSE. his "interview" basically sounded like he was just reading his resume, but in a super intense voice. intense is really the only way i can describe him. i was intimidated but not defeated.
anyway, so julie and i filled out our applications (which took about half an hour), answering questions like "who is your hero and why?" and "describe your perfect day" and "what would you NOT do for one million dollars?"
answering these questions was both a joy and a burden. i mean, i love surveys, but also hate things that feel like homework. hmm.
after filling them out, we waited in a very short line to get our chance to really shine in front of the camera. and by "shine," i mean stutter, stumble, gesticulate awkwardly, and BS my way through a 2-minute monologue about why i should be on the 19th (yes, 19th) season of survivor. to give you a little taste of how classy and prepared i was, my on-camera monologue consisted of the following reasons as to why CBS should pick me:
1. it's COLD in illinois and i'd like to go to a desert island
2. i'm young and adventurous (i know, this is an extremely unique answer - one i'm sure the producers have yet to hear)
3. i want to be a co-host on "the view," so i'm just trying to follow in elizabeth hasselbeck's footsteps (she got her start on "survivor" - imdb it!)
and of course, in order to be super classy, i ended by singing a few lines from the destiny's child classic, "survivor."
so basically, i think i'm a shoe-in.
not but seriously - my audition was disjointed, ill-prepared, awkward, and a little condescending toward CBS, i think. and i think my application was probably too sarcastic. but it was a very fun morning!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
ohh what have i even been doing lately
first of all, i apologize for the lonnnnnnng delay in posting - to those of you who actually read this junk.
secondly, i apologize in advance for this entry and how incoherent and nonsensical it may be. i haven't written in a long time, and i just feel a need to ramble. a lot.
so there's this episode of the office, where jim comes back after working in stamford, and his first conversation with kelly goes something like this:
jim: "hey kelly! how have you been?"
kelly: "omigod jim. brangelina had a baby and they named her shiloh, and tom and katie had a baby and named her suri, and both babies are so A-MAZ-ING."
jim: "oh that's great - but what's going on with you?"
kelly: "i just told you!"
annnnd i am currently kelly kapur. for the past week or two, i have been watching a lot of lost. and when i say a lot, i mean A LOT. way too much. i am ashamed of myself - but also, it's such a great show, so i'm not totally ashamed. but anyway, on wednesday, thursday, and friday night, i pretty much just watched lost from dinnertime til bedtime, and yesterday i watched almost all of season 4. as i was getting ready for bed last night, i was thinking to myself "what did i do today... what am i doing... how have i grown or changed or learned as a person today..." and the answers were "nothing... i don't know.... not at all." and then i just felt disoriented and depressed and tried to fall asleep.
fantastic show, but i need to just re-enter society.
so what else has been going on in the month since i've posted... i don't know. a lot of things and not very many things.
work is going well. today i got a strange urge to look for jobs (maybe this is because it's been insanely cold and i can't bear to spend another winter here?) so i did. but i don't really want a new job now - i was just sort of looking for looking's sake.
so last week, we had a new "interim executive director" start at work. seeing as there are only 8 other people working there, it's a pretty big deal to get a new leader. this lady seems really great, so far. i'm very excited to have a new leader who seems very eager to analyze, learn, make changes, hand out raises (wishful thinking...), etc...
i had a one-on-one meeting with her on friday, and i tried my very best to be professional for that meeting. i answered most of her questions with nice, neat answers. i tried to be honest, but also, there's a part of me that gets nervous that i'll say something too honest or too unprofessional and i'll immediately be fired. so anyway, when i told her that i graduated last may and this is my first job, she said something to the effect of "ohh you're a baby!" like they all do. and i smiled and said "mmmhmmm yeah i guess so." part of me likes when my co-workers treat me that way, because it makes me feel like i'm still young and free, and it's OK to not know what i'm doing. the other part of me wants to say "i'm an adult!! back off me!"
so she asked me how this first year of post-college life is going and how i like my job (again - i struggled with the whole "how honest am i allowed to be" question), but ended up saying something like "oh it's neat! i'm finding the whole process to be interesting!" i do feel like i'm in the right place right now, so i try to be optimistic. at the same time though, i struggle with how to balance my optimism and contentedness with my feelings of lonliness, fear, anxiety, etc...
for instance, i think i could answer the question "how do you like your job?" in two ways:
1. "it's great! it's a good learning experience and i like figuring out how the working world works, and i hope to find new ways to be creative in this job"
or
2. "well, half the stuff i do every day is boring, and i wish my job were more creative and interesting, and i hope i don't have to work here for much more than a year. and i just left a community i loved and i miss my friends and family in other places and i'm lonely and confused."
so the first option makes me sound very happy-go-lucky-optimistic and the second makes me sound bratty, angsty, and ungrateful - and i feel a little shameful that i actually really believe both to be true. ideally, i would not be one of those people who is way too cheerful nor the person who's way too bratty, but alas, it seems that i am. i can honestly say i believe each of the above statements to be true, at the same time. it's sort of messing with my mind (much like "lost" - ahhh there IS a purpose to all my tv-viewing)
back to my meeting w/ the our new director - so after i gave my nice, neat answer about liking work, she just kind of stared at me and my heart started beating faster and i didn't know if i should keep talking or laugh (probably not - i'm pretty sure i laugh more than is professional), so i just sort of uncrossed my legs and crossed them again and awkwardly took a drink of water in an attempt to avert her glare, and finally she started talking again and i was relieved. and she just told me about how this year is hard - it's hard to leave your college community, and it's hard to go to work with people who know what they're good at, and who know how to do what they're good at, and meanwhile i just sit there and think i'm too inexperienced for this. so it was actually a really good conversation, and i was glad that she seemed to care about me on a personal level, and that she understood where i was without me having to tell her.
i remember being at work in kenya, and i would always get SO ANNOYED because my co-workers would talk and drink tea too much (or so i thought) and when i wanted to get something done, they didn't always see the need to get it done right away. of course, i'd heard that relationship-buildling is valued more than productivity, and i thought i'd be OK with that. but then, when i really wanted to get some work done, i would be like "OH MY GOSH i can't do this" and i'd feel bad that i was so bad at working there, and so unfit and unpatient and i suddenly realized that something i had always thought i was good at i was maybe not so good at. and not willing to be good at.
i sort of digress... but the point is, during my meeting with this woman, i thought, "wow! she really values relationships above productivity!" and then i was just very unsure of how to proceed with the conversation, because i didn't want her to think that i just want to sit around and talk all day and not do my work.
ok i am going in too many directions mentally right now, so i'm going to need to stop. i guess the main thing i'm thinking about right now is what am i good at and what do i love. and if that topic and this post totally do not relate, don't worry - you're not crazy. i feel like in my heart and mind, i just have many different glasses full of things i'm thinking about right now - and in writing this entry, i've taken a few of the glasses and dumped all their contents out (yes, out onto blogger.com), and i've taken other glasses and dumped a little bit out, and i've just completed ignored other (though not any less important) glasses because i'm only writing a blog entry, not a novel. so if this entry doesn't meet my goal of connecting to other people, it has at least met my other goal of free therapy.
also, i'm thinking of taking up a musical instrument (mom, you were right when told me i'd regret quitting piano lessons!), so i'm taking suggestions for which instrument i should try. i'm hoping the fact that i used to be marginally musical means it won't be insanely hard to start learning something. some things to consider: i used to play piano and trombone (though i wasn't great at either) and i can no longer read music. also i do not currently own any instrument, so probably not the organ or bass or anything cumbersome like that.
ok that's it. my brain's fried. i WILL be more focused about writing in this regularly!
secondly, i apologize in advance for this entry and how incoherent and nonsensical it may be. i haven't written in a long time, and i just feel a need to ramble. a lot.
so there's this episode of the office, where jim comes back after working in stamford, and his first conversation with kelly goes something like this:
jim: "hey kelly! how have you been?"
kelly: "omigod jim. brangelina had a baby and they named her shiloh, and tom and katie had a baby and named her suri, and both babies are so A-MAZ-ING."
jim: "oh that's great - but what's going on with you?"
kelly: "i just told you!"
annnnd i am currently kelly kapur. for the past week or two, i have been watching a lot of lost. and when i say a lot, i mean A LOT. way too much. i am ashamed of myself - but also, it's such a great show, so i'm not totally ashamed. but anyway, on wednesday, thursday, and friday night, i pretty much just watched lost from dinnertime til bedtime, and yesterday i watched almost all of season 4. as i was getting ready for bed last night, i was thinking to myself "what did i do today... what am i doing... how have i grown or changed or learned as a person today..." and the answers were "nothing... i don't know.... not at all." and then i just felt disoriented and depressed and tried to fall asleep.
fantastic show, but i need to just re-enter society.
so what else has been going on in the month since i've posted... i don't know. a lot of things and not very many things.
work is going well. today i got a strange urge to look for jobs (maybe this is because it's been insanely cold and i can't bear to spend another winter here?) so i did. but i don't really want a new job now - i was just sort of looking for looking's sake.
so last week, we had a new "interim executive director" start at work. seeing as there are only 8 other people working there, it's a pretty big deal to get a new leader. this lady seems really great, so far. i'm very excited to have a new leader who seems very eager to analyze, learn, make changes, hand out raises (wishful thinking...), etc...
i had a one-on-one meeting with her on friday, and i tried my very best to be professional for that meeting. i answered most of her questions with nice, neat answers. i tried to be honest, but also, there's a part of me that gets nervous that i'll say something too honest or too unprofessional and i'll immediately be fired. so anyway, when i told her that i graduated last may and this is my first job, she said something to the effect of "ohh you're a baby!" like they all do. and i smiled and said "mmmhmmm yeah i guess so." part of me likes when my co-workers treat me that way, because it makes me feel like i'm still young and free, and it's OK to not know what i'm doing. the other part of me wants to say "i'm an adult!! back off me!"
so she asked me how this first year of post-college life is going and how i like my job (again - i struggled with the whole "how honest am i allowed to be" question), but ended up saying something like "oh it's neat! i'm finding the whole process to be interesting!" i do feel like i'm in the right place right now, so i try to be optimistic. at the same time though, i struggle with how to balance my optimism and contentedness with my feelings of lonliness, fear, anxiety, etc...
for instance, i think i could answer the question "how do you like your job?" in two ways:
1. "it's great! it's a good learning experience and i like figuring out how the working world works, and i hope to find new ways to be creative in this job"
or
2. "well, half the stuff i do every day is boring, and i wish my job were more creative and interesting, and i hope i don't have to work here for much more than a year. and i just left a community i loved and i miss my friends and family in other places and i'm lonely and confused."
so the first option makes me sound very happy-go-lucky-optimistic and the second makes me sound bratty, angsty, and ungrateful - and i feel a little shameful that i actually really believe both to be true. ideally, i would not be one of those people who is way too cheerful nor the person who's way too bratty, but alas, it seems that i am. i can honestly say i believe each of the above statements to be true, at the same time. it's sort of messing with my mind (much like "lost" - ahhh there IS a purpose to all my tv-viewing)
back to my meeting w/ the our new director - so after i gave my nice, neat answer about liking work, she just kind of stared at me and my heart started beating faster and i didn't know if i should keep talking or laugh (probably not - i'm pretty sure i laugh more than is professional), so i just sort of uncrossed my legs and crossed them again and awkwardly took a drink of water in an attempt to avert her glare, and finally she started talking again and i was relieved. and she just told me about how this year is hard - it's hard to leave your college community, and it's hard to go to work with people who know what they're good at, and who know how to do what they're good at, and meanwhile i just sit there and think i'm too inexperienced for this. so it was actually a really good conversation, and i was glad that she seemed to care about me on a personal level, and that she understood where i was without me having to tell her.
i remember being at work in kenya, and i would always get SO ANNOYED because my co-workers would talk and drink tea too much (or so i thought) and when i wanted to get something done, they didn't always see the need to get it done right away. of course, i'd heard that relationship-buildling is valued more than productivity, and i thought i'd be OK with that. but then, when i really wanted to get some work done, i would be like "OH MY GOSH i can't do this" and i'd feel bad that i was so bad at working there, and so unfit and unpatient and i suddenly realized that something i had always thought i was good at i was maybe not so good at. and not willing to be good at.
i sort of digress... but the point is, during my meeting with this woman, i thought, "wow! she really values relationships above productivity!" and then i was just very unsure of how to proceed with the conversation, because i didn't want her to think that i just want to sit around and talk all day and not do my work.
ok i am going in too many directions mentally right now, so i'm going to need to stop. i guess the main thing i'm thinking about right now is what am i good at and what do i love. and if that topic and this post totally do not relate, don't worry - you're not crazy. i feel like in my heart and mind, i just have many different glasses full of things i'm thinking about right now - and in writing this entry, i've taken a few of the glasses and dumped all their contents out (yes, out onto blogger.com), and i've taken other glasses and dumped a little bit out, and i've just completed ignored other (though not any less important) glasses because i'm only writing a blog entry, not a novel. so if this entry doesn't meet my goal of connecting to other people, it has at least met my other goal of free therapy.
also, i'm thinking of taking up a musical instrument (mom, you were right when told me i'd regret quitting piano lessons!), so i'm taking suggestions for which instrument i should try. i'm hoping the fact that i used to be marginally musical means it won't be insanely hard to start learning something. some things to consider: i used to play piano and trombone (though i wasn't great at either) and i can no longer read music. also i do not currently own any instrument, so probably not the organ or bass or anything cumbersome like that.
ok that's it. my brain's fried. i WILL be more focused about writing in this regularly!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
i still need to go grocery shopping...
first of all, i apologize if this makes no sense at all. if it's any consolation to you, it makes a lot of sense in my head.
i went to see "doubt" last night and i want to write about it before it starts to fade from my memory (i think it's already fading - i'm pretty sure i'm starting to lose my memory).
anyway, it was a great movie - probably mostly because of the fantastic acting. meryl streep is always great, and philip seymour hoffman and amy adams were both really good as a seedy-ish possible pedophile and a naive, idealistic woman, respectively (probably because i feel like they might actually be like that in real life).
anyway, it was so good. i went with two friends, and we talked about the movie the entire way home - which took a while since it was snowing and we were in chicago. it was so interesting, because obviously the main theme of the movie is (spoiler!) doubt. but then, there are just so many things that get piled on top - race, gender struggles, faith, homosexuality, the church, compassion, justice and mercy, family problems, feminism, power, manipulation, annnnnnnnnd the list goes on forever. seriously, i was like, are they going to reveal that amy adams' character has a crack habit or something, too? (spoiler #2: this didn't happen)
so the movie was done so well, but it just seemed like they would bring up this huge theme and then one character would say "oh yeah blah justice blah" and the other character would say "um mercy, also" and then they'd move on. (i'm expecting my pulitzer any day now). i'm assuming that people who haven't seen doubt will not know why my thoughts seem so scattered, but hopefully those of you who have will maybe see where i'm going with this? no? mmk. anyway, the movie is great, but leaves you feeling unsatisfied. like, yes, it was well-acted, well-written, beautiful to watch, a good story. but there was just so much more and i just wished it were a 10-part series or something. several times i just wanted to pause the movie and say "um hi meryl? please do another scene about the gender struggles in the catholic church in the 60s. this seems fascinating and i wish you would delve deeper into that." ahh if only there had been a Q&A at the end!
the more i think about this movie, the more i find it resonating with where i am in life. not the subject matter, but how it made me feel. for those 2 hours, i felt like, whoa - the way this movie made me feel is the way life often makes me feel. like there are so many things that i want to think about and do every day. it's overwhelming to think of life as just this infinite series of possibilities, and there are so many things that are fighting for your attention all the time, and how do you figure out what's the most important? and sometimes i wish i could spend entire days just picking something i'm interested in and immersing myself in it. but i can't, because i wake up, go to work, drive home, eat dinner, and then i only have a small amount of time to devote to my own ideas. and honestly, half the time is spent wasting time on the internet or watching tv. and how do you live a life in which you can't live out your passions (and things you find important) when you have to spend most of your time doing things that you aren't sure fit that?
i guess that's how life is a lot. i finished the movie and felt satisfied. it was great, i learned, i gained more perspective, i was entertained, i was a little bored at times (not so different from real life) but i also felt unsatisfied. there was so much more i wished could've happened in the movie. i didn't get to know the characters well enough. i learned more - but at the same time, part of what i learned is that i know less now than i thought i did before. and i saw something i wanted to learn more about. and i wanted it to just go on longer and give me more understanding and make me feel more aware of other people, but that wasn't possible. it's a movie. i may want it to be longer, but it can't and shouldn't be, because it has to fit a certain mold. it was 2 hours long (although, before the movie, there was a preview for the new "che" movie, which is being released in 2 parts, which just seems like cheating to me. the public shouldn't have to pay $20 just because the director can't edit more effectively. i digress.) the story was told in a specific way, and that was it. and that's how life is, i think. the day ends and i think, ah i could've done so much more today! i could've grown more, tried to understand people better, loved more, listened more... but i didn't. and in some ways, i guess it's good to feel unsatisfied like that at the end of the day, because it can be channeled into personal growth. or it can just make you feel bad about yourself when the next day is exactly the same. but at the same time, we only have so much time and energy each day, and there's no way to deal with everything that could and should be dealt with in life. it's not that all things aren't important, it's just a tricky thing - trying to figure out what can and should take up your mental energy each day. a friend of mine recently sent me an email, in which she wrote, "... I was becoming overwhelmed with the enormity of it all. Today I was reminded that we are merely blessed to do things that bring glory to Him, not to bring attention to ourselves. So often we want it the other way." that was something i really needed to hear. it's one of those things that i hear over and over and over but it's SO hard to just let it sink in and believe. i guess the challenge is always being aware that there are so many issues that are so important, and people i need, and things i want to do - but that i can't deal with everything in its fullness every single day. and that's ok, i think. critical thinking is extremely important (and a command, i believe), but i also need to constantly reminded that it's very important to be content with the blessing of doing any little thing for God.
sidenote: i'm watching this new d.l. hughley show on cnn. i have so many questions: why is cnn trying to be funny? is it the writing that's horrible, or is d.l. just not funny at all? are you still considered a comedian if you laugh at your own jokes more than the audience does? i definitely laugh at my own jokes more than other people do... but then, i'm not trying to host a comedy show on cnn. i would like to host a serious show on cnn though. how do you get that job?? end sidenote.
oops just kidding - i just laughed at one of his jokes. GAH i hate myself. i don't know what this says about me.
i went to see "doubt" last night and i want to write about it before it starts to fade from my memory (i think it's already fading - i'm pretty sure i'm starting to lose my memory).
anyway, it was a great movie - probably mostly because of the fantastic acting. meryl streep is always great, and philip seymour hoffman and amy adams were both really good as a seedy-ish possible pedophile and a naive, idealistic woman, respectively (probably because i feel like they might actually be like that in real life).
anyway, it was so good. i went with two friends, and we talked about the movie the entire way home - which took a while since it was snowing and we were in chicago. it was so interesting, because obviously the main theme of the movie is (spoiler!) doubt. but then, there are just so many things that get piled on top - race, gender struggles, faith, homosexuality, the church, compassion, justice and mercy, family problems, feminism, power, manipulation, annnnnnnnnd the list goes on forever. seriously, i was like, are they going to reveal that amy adams' character has a crack habit or something, too? (spoiler #2: this didn't happen)
so the movie was done so well, but it just seemed like they would bring up this huge theme and then one character would say "oh yeah blah justice blah" and the other character would say "um mercy, also" and then they'd move on. (i'm expecting my pulitzer any day now). i'm assuming that people who haven't seen doubt will not know why my thoughts seem so scattered, but hopefully those of you who have will maybe see where i'm going with this? no? mmk. anyway, the movie is great, but leaves you feeling unsatisfied. like, yes, it was well-acted, well-written, beautiful to watch, a good story. but there was just so much more and i just wished it were a 10-part series or something. several times i just wanted to pause the movie and say "um hi meryl? please do another scene about the gender struggles in the catholic church in the 60s. this seems fascinating and i wish you would delve deeper into that." ahh if only there had been a Q&A at the end!
the more i think about this movie, the more i find it resonating with where i am in life. not the subject matter, but how it made me feel. for those 2 hours, i felt like, whoa - the way this movie made me feel is the way life often makes me feel. like there are so many things that i want to think about and do every day. it's overwhelming to think of life as just this infinite series of possibilities, and there are so many things that are fighting for your attention all the time, and how do you figure out what's the most important? and sometimes i wish i could spend entire days just picking something i'm interested in and immersing myself in it. but i can't, because i wake up, go to work, drive home, eat dinner, and then i only have a small amount of time to devote to my own ideas. and honestly, half the time is spent wasting time on the internet or watching tv. and how do you live a life in which you can't live out your passions (and things you find important) when you have to spend most of your time doing things that you aren't sure fit that?
i guess that's how life is a lot. i finished the movie and felt satisfied. it was great, i learned, i gained more perspective, i was entertained, i was a little bored at times (not so different from real life) but i also felt unsatisfied. there was so much more i wished could've happened in the movie. i didn't get to know the characters well enough. i learned more - but at the same time, part of what i learned is that i know less now than i thought i did before. and i saw something i wanted to learn more about. and i wanted it to just go on longer and give me more understanding and make me feel more aware of other people, but that wasn't possible. it's a movie. i may want it to be longer, but it can't and shouldn't be, because it has to fit a certain mold. it was 2 hours long (although, before the movie, there was a preview for the new "che" movie, which is being released in 2 parts, which just seems like cheating to me. the public shouldn't have to pay $20 just because the director can't edit more effectively. i digress.) the story was told in a specific way, and that was it. and that's how life is, i think. the day ends and i think, ah i could've done so much more today! i could've grown more, tried to understand people better, loved more, listened more... but i didn't. and in some ways, i guess it's good to feel unsatisfied like that at the end of the day, because it can be channeled into personal growth. or it can just make you feel bad about yourself when the next day is exactly the same. but at the same time, we only have so much time and energy each day, and there's no way to deal with everything that could and should be dealt with in life. it's not that all things aren't important, it's just a tricky thing - trying to figure out what can and should take up your mental energy each day. a friend of mine recently sent me an email, in which she wrote, "... I was becoming overwhelmed with the enormity of it all. Today I was reminded that we are merely blessed to do things that bring glory to Him, not to bring attention to ourselves. So often we want it the other way." that was something i really needed to hear. it's one of those things that i hear over and over and over but it's SO hard to just let it sink in and believe. i guess the challenge is always being aware that there are so many issues that are so important, and people i need, and things i want to do - but that i can't deal with everything in its fullness every single day. and that's ok, i think. critical thinking is extremely important (and a command, i believe), but i also need to constantly reminded that it's very important to be content with the blessing of doing any little thing for God.
sidenote: i'm watching this new d.l. hughley show on cnn. i have so many questions: why is cnn trying to be funny? is it the writing that's horrible, or is d.l. just not funny at all? are you still considered a comedian if you laugh at your own jokes more than the audience does? i definitely laugh at my own jokes more than other people do... but then, i'm not trying to host a comedy show on cnn. i would like to host a serious show on cnn though. how do you get that job?? end sidenote.
oops just kidding - i just laughed at one of his jokes. GAH i hate myself. i don't know what this says about me.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
when you have brownies and red wine for dinner, you know it's time to go grocery shopping
ooh i'm getting really bad at keeping up with this. i blame the winter. by the time i get home every night, it's dark and cold and all i want to do is put on my sweats and go to bed.
i don't really remember ever hating winter - except for junior year of college, when i had 10-minute walks to campus at 7:45 a.m. in the freeeeeeeezing cold - but this year, i think i've officially had enough. i love snow, but frankly, i don't know if it's worth it anymore. the real world doesn't grant snow days, i no longer have the energy/time to go sledding or play in the snow (also i'm not sure when it stops becoming socially-acceptable to play in the snow - so many "kid" things become OK again in college, but then after college? i think it's time to stop), and i don't live near any good skiing places. so, basically, i get nothing out of snow. my usual 30-minute drive from work took an hour today. i had to boil a pot of water and then pour it on my car to get my door to unfreeze yesterday. so, i am taking suggestions of places to move to that AREN'T miserable from december-march.
so today at work, we had an external evaluator come to... evaluate things, i guess. i wasn't directly involved (or so i thought). i did, however, have to dress up for the event, as i have to do tomorrow and thursday, too. dangit. first of all, can i say that my workplace dresscode is pretty casual (like, a former employee often wore sweatpants. granted they looked like regular black pants at a distance, but... sweatpants). anyway, so this summer when i started working, i enjoyed wearing cute summery dresses to work. coming from a college lifestyle of wearing jeans all the time, it was nice to dress up a little bit every day. but then... it just got annoying. i used to go to bed so early because i wasn't used to waking up at 7 a.m., but now that i'm used to working and i don't go to bed at 9 p.m. every night, i am not getting as much sleep so am consequently less willing to wake up in time to shower, put make-up on, do my hair, pick out a cute outfit, etc... many mornings i wake up 15 minutes before i have to leave, brush my teeth, wash my face, throw on the first nice-ish, semi-matching outfit i can find, and leave the house. but today, since we had a special visitor, i thought i should make a bigger effort than usual. so, i looked very professional and nice and be-make-upped. like, i'm talking button-down shirt, sweater, tights, heels (HEELS!), and jewelry that cost more than $4. but then, of course, one of the buttons on my skirt fell off which created a higher-than-"office-appropriate" slit in my skirt. and do i carry a sewing kit? of course not. also, i realized that i forgot to take off my extremely chipped navy-blue nail polish, so that's not super professional. i was trying to hide my hands during our staff meeting w/ our special guest, but when i'm in professional settings, i tend to talk with my hands A LOT, so that didn't work. so there were some small failures.
anyway, it was interesting meeting with this guy, because i feel like work can be pretty ho-hum. you just sort of get into a routine and just do your work. but this guy was very... umm kind of like a business hippie or something. he just kept talking about how he wanted to be a "critical friend" and he didn't want to get into specific objectives - he just wanted to talk about big-picture stuff like goals and missions and dreams and hopes and whatnot. of course, later he threw me off guard when he started grilling me about stats and facts and figures and i was like WHOA curvelball i'm not prepared. but for the most part, he was very relaxed and calm and non-threatening. we did this exercise where he asked us to draw 3 circles - signifying the organization's past, present and future - however we envisioned the organization. and it was a little bit uncomfortable because we just don't really do things like that. it was really cool though. i wish we just had a full-time "critical friend" who wandered the office and asked us how things were going and challenged us to think about things in new ways. not like, "well could you find a faster way to seal those envelopes?" but actual, real issues that go deeper than surface-level task-y things. and maybe someone who would just encourage us to talk about serious issues and go play a game when we all need something to pep us up for the afternoon. maybe that place is called kindergarten? or google? they've got it right, i think. so, i'm trying to be pro-active. the longer i've been working, the more i realize you have little-to-no control over how other people act, but you can shape the way you approach your job. that's an outlook that i definitely don't have all the time, but i need to.
anyway... i'm watching anderson cooper right now - and you know, he just seems like a fascinating person. and also, he's a very attractive older man. not that that's why i watch him. but i just feel like, what a fascinating job it must be to just be in the middle of stuff. to witness things (as we all do) but have the platform to just question and discuss and get people interested in big issues. and just randomly go places and live with different people and hear their stories. and i love him because he seems so much more honest than typical newspeople.
also, i love that the two stories coming up after the break are 1. the madoff fraud situation and 2. what kind of puppy will the obama girls get? my vote is for a boxer, but seriously? how do you talk about those two stories in the same breath? how does number 2 even mean anything to anyone besides those 2 girls (and granted, it will be their most loyal/least judgmental friend, but come on - who else even needs to know this?)
i don't know why i'm on this topic.
so i shouldn't brag, but i have to share yet another reason why our landlady is the most amazing person ever. today, after my awful drive home from work, i was very annoyed. i hated snow and driving. but THEN as i was walking up the steps, i saw a box addressed to my roommates and myself. what could this be?? of just a box of GOURMET BROWNIES from our landlady! do landlords generally buy christmas present for their tenants? i'm pretty sure they don't, but then, our anita is no ordinary home-renter. she is fantastic. and also, there is an actual company called "Fairytale Brownies." so, look into that. they're amazing.
i don't really remember ever hating winter - except for junior year of college, when i had 10-minute walks to campus at 7:45 a.m. in the freeeeeeeezing cold - but this year, i think i've officially had enough. i love snow, but frankly, i don't know if it's worth it anymore. the real world doesn't grant snow days, i no longer have the energy/time to go sledding or play in the snow (also i'm not sure when it stops becoming socially-acceptable to play in the snow - so many "kid" things become OK again in college, but then after college? i think it's time to stop), and i don't live near any good skiing places. so, basically, i get nothing out of snow. my usual 30-minute drive from work took an hour today. i had to boil a pot of water and then pour it on my car to get my door to unfreeze yesterday. so, i am taking suggestions of places to move to that AREN'T miserable from december-march.
so today at work, we had an external evaluator come to... evaluate things, i guess. i wasn't directly involved (or so i thought). i did, however, have to dress up for the event, as i have to do tomorrow and thursday, too. dangit. first of all, can i say that my workplace dresscode is pretty casual (like, a former employee often wore sweatpants. granted they looked like regular black pants at a distance, but... sweatpants). anyway, so this summer when i started working, i enjoyed wearing cute summery dresses to work. coming from a college lifestyle of wearing jeans all the time, it was nice to dress up a little bit every day. but then... it just got annoying. i used to go to bed so early because i wasn't used to waking up at 7 a.m., but now that i'm used to working and i don't go to bed at 9 p.m. every night, i am not getting as much sleep so am consequently less willing to wake up in time to shower, put make-up on, do my hair, pick out a cute outfit, etc... many mornings i wake up 15 minutes before i have to leave, brush my teeth, wash my face, throw on the first nice-ish, semi-matching outfit i can find, and leave the house. but today, since we had a special visitor, i thought i should make a bigger effort than usual. so, i looked very professional and nice and be-make-upped. like, i'm talking button-down shirt, sweater, tights, heels (HEELS!), and jewelry that cost more than $4. but then, of course, one of the buttons on my skirt fell off which created a higher-than-"office-appropriate" slit in my skirt. and do i carry a sewing kit? of course not. also, i realized that i forgot to take off my extremely chipped navy-blue nail polish, so that's not super professional. i was trying to hide my hands during our staff meeting w/ our special guest, but when i'm in professional settings, i tend to talk with my hands A LOT, so that didn't work. so there were some small failures.
anyway, it was interesting meeting with this guy, because i feel like work can be pretty ho-hum. you just sort of get into a routine and just do your work. but this guy was very... umm kind of like a business hippie or something. he just kept talking about how he wanted to be a "critical friend" and he didn't want to get into specific objectives - he just wanted to talk about big-picture stuff like goals and missions and dreams and hopes and whatnot. of course, later he threw me off guard when he started grilling me about stats and facts and figures and i was like WHOA curvelball i'm not prepared. but for the most part, he was very relaxed and calm and non-threatening. we did this exercise where he asked us to draw 3 circles - signifying the organization's past, present and future - however we envisioned the organization. and it was a little bit uncomfortable because we just don't really do things like that. it was really cool though. i wish we just had a full-time "critical friend" who wandered the office and asked us how things were going and challenged us to think about things in new ways. not like, "well could you find a faster way to seal those envelopes?" but actual, real issues that go deeper than surface-level task-y things. and maybe someone who would just encourage us to talk about serious issues and go play a game when we all need something to pep us up for the afternoon. maybe that place is called kindergarten? or google? they've got it right, i think. so, i'm trying to be pro-active. the longer i've been working, the more i realize you have little-to-no control over how other people act, but you can shape the way you approach your job. that's an outlook that i definitely don't have all the time, but i need to.
anyway... i'm watching anderson cooper right now - and you know, he just seems like a fascinating person. and also, he's a very attractive older man. not that that's why i watch him. but i just feel like, what a fascinating job it must be to just be in the middle of stuff. to witness things (as we all do) but have the platform to just question and discuss and get people interested in big issues. and just randomly go places and live with different people and hear their stories. and i love him because he seems so much more honest than typical newspeople.
also, i love that the two stories coming up after the break are 1. the madoff fraud situation and 2. what kind of puppy will the obama girls get? my vote is for a boxer, but seriously? how do you talk about those two stories in the same breath? how does number 2 even mean anything to anyone besides those 2 girls (and granted, it will be their most loyal/least judgmental friend, but come on - who else even needs to know this?)
i don't know why i'm on this topic.
so i shouldn't brag, but i have to share yet another reason why our landlady is the most amazing person ever. today, after my awful drive home from work, i was very annoyed. i hated snow and driving. but THEN as i was walking up the steps, i saw a box addressed to my roommates and myself. what could this be?? of just a box of GOURMET BROWNIES from our landlady! do landlords generally buy christmas present for their tenants? i'm pretty sure they don't, but then, our anita is no ordinary home-renter. she is fantastic. and also, there is an actual company called "Fairytale Brownies." so, look into that. they're amazing.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
peanut butter, peace
reason #5908235470 cats are worse pets than dogs: they don't take their pills with peanut butter. so i just wasted a spoonful of peanut butter and half a cat-thyroid-problem pill because the cat seems disgusted by peanut butter. come on, cat! who doesn't love peanut butter? these cats, that's who.
anyway, i apologize for not writing in this enough. i've started to write a couple of times since my last post, but i either just got annoyed at how weird i thought i sounded, or i just couldn't come up with one good thing to write, so i stopped. and i know that's really bad of me... the more i write, the better i feel. and not that i always need to feel good or happy - but writing a lot does just make me feel like i've released what i need to release. i guess that's the best way i can put it.
so what has happened recently... probably the most exciting thing was church on sunday.
i went to a new church (i've been looking for a new church in the area - but that's a whole other blog post) and just loved it. the message was really great; it was just exactly what i needed to hear. the pastor talked about peace - jesus' peace versus the world's peace. i am not normally a big note-take during church, but he said so many things that i really wanted to write down and go back to later. one of the most interesting points, that really stuck with me, was this: "Jesus didn't intend for us to live in the peace the world has to offer - He came so we could live in the peace that HE brings." he went on to talk about how we tend to think of peace as just one general concept. as christians, when we talk about peace or pray about peace, we tend to not make a distinction between the peace the world wants and the peace Jesus brings.
this was a really interesting idea to me. i've gone to church my whole life and i went to a christian college, so to be honest, i tend to get kind of arrogant about sermons, christian writing, etc... i feel like i've heard so much that i'm rarely surprised by something new. it's easy to approach sermons with judgment or apprehension, because then you don't really have to let them affect your life. i can feel good about myself, knowing that i went to church or read a christian book or went to a bible study - but i don't really have to change anything in my life, because, well, i don't know if i totally agree, or i feel like i've heard that message a million times already. i guess this is one of the negative things about having been so immersed in the christian subculture for the past four years (although the positive things far outweigh the negative, there are still some negatives! or at least, things to be cautious about). so anyway, the message this sunday was really good - because i felt like God was telling me "you don't know everything!" which is incredibly obvious. but clearly, i tend to forget it. whenever i hear/read/see a christian perspective and look at it with contempt, negativity, or judgment, i am proving that i think i DO know everything.
the concept of peace is so interesting. i'm sure every christian has, at one point or another, prayed for peace - in the context of a relationship, a global conflict, or something inbetween. but what KIND of peace are we praying for, exactly? if you're like me, then you're probably praying for the hippie kind of peace. like, let's just all learn to love one another. not that that's a bad thing at all (because it's a very good thing!), but, it's very human-focused. it's like, we can all solve this if we just love each other. when i think about all the times i've prayed for peace (whether it was about a friendship or a war), i am thinking about it totally in terms of PEOPLE bringing peace to the situation. but then, why am i even praying? if i think - subconciously or not - that problems can be solved by people simply treating one another with respect and love, why do i feel the need to pray about that?
i think it's fairly clear, when looking at the course of history, that humans simply are not good at bringing peace to situations on their own. in fact, we are really, really bad at it. why do we look to figures like martin luther king jr. and mother teresa and call them "peace-makers"? i think it's because they were some of the rare people who could be and were actually peaceful people. if everyone were like that, we wouldn't have to look to these historical figures as examples, because it would just be the norm for everyone to be that way. and even if we can be peace-makers on our own, how long does that last? until another conflict comes around? certainly even mlk jr. and mother teresa went through times of wanting to wring someone's neck. nobody can keep that peacefulness up all the time - and definitely not on their own. i don't care how much of a saint you are. we simply cannot do this on our own. clearly, we need to the peace of Jesus - and that is not the same as the peace of the world. i don't know that i'd ever quite made that distinction, at least not in the way that it is now making sense to me.
so i'm not quite sure what exactly all this means. it made me reconsider some of the political views i hold (not change them, really - but think about). i wouldn't call myself a democrat or republican (i am still in the idealistic-college-student mentality of feeling unsatisfied by choosing a political party, i suppose), but i do tend to support more liberal candidates and policies. i voted for obama and am extremely happy that he won (please don't be turned off by this if you don't agree - i promise to not talk about politics anymore!), and i voted for him for many reasons, but i do think one reason was that i was very encouraged and excited by his messages of peace and hope... and, well, those things are great. but they are not even close to the same as the peace and hope of Jesus. if am i clinging to the ideology of a group of people who want to see peace, i should not feel too secure. while earthly peace is a good thing, i think it detracts me from seeking TRUE peace - the peace only Jesus can bring. when He is graciously offering His peace that i could never dream of bringing to myself, why would i ignore that simply to attempt to bring about earthly peace that has no chance of lasting? this realization hasn't really changed my political views, so much as it's just made me realize our deep, deep, ridiculously huge need for Christ.
well i didn't mean to turn this into a long rambly theological thing... and i am no biblical scholar, so please feel free to add to this or criticize it or whatever you want to do!
peace to you - the Jesus kind :)
anyway, i apologize for not writing in this enough. i've started to write a couple of times since my last post, but i either just got annoyed at how weird i thought i sounded, or i just couldn't come up with one good thing to write, so i stopped. and i know that's really bad of me... the more i write, the better i feel. and not that i always need to feel good or happy - but writing a lot does just make me feel like i've released what i need to release. i guess that's the best way i can put it.
so what has happened recently... probably the most exciting thing was church on sunday.
i went to a new church (i've been looking for a new church in the area - but that's a whole other blog post) and just loved it. the message was really great; it was just exactly what i needed to hear. the pastor talked about peace - jesus' peace versus the world's peace. i am not normally a big note-take during church, but he said so many things that i really wanted to write down and go back to later. one of the most interesting points, that really stuck with me, was this: "Jesus didn't intend for us to live in the peace the world has to offer - He came so we could live in the peace that HE brings." he went on to talk about how we tend to think of peace as just one general concept. as christians, when we talk about peace or pray about peace, we tend to not make a distinction between the peace the world wants and the peace Jesus brings.
this was a really interesting idea to me. i've gone to church my whole life and i went to a christian college, so to be honest, i tend to get kind of arrogant about sermons, christian writing, etc... i feel like i've heard so much that i'm rarely surprised by something new. it's easy to approach sermons with judgment or apprehension, because then you don't really have to let them affect your life. i can feel good about myself, knowing that i went to church or read a christian book or went to a bible study - but i don't really have to change anything in my life, because, well, i don't know if i totally agree, or i feel like i've heard that message a million times already. i guess this is one of the negative things about having been so immersed in the christian subculture for the past four years (although the positive things far outweigh the negative, there are still some negatives! or at least, things to be cautious about). so anyway, the message this sunday was really good - because i felt like God was telling me "you don't know everything!" which is incredibly obvious. but clearly, i tend to forget it. whenever i hear/read/see a christian perspective and look at it with contempt, negativity, or judgment, i am proving that i think i DO know everything.
the concept of peace is so interesting. i'm sure every christian has, at one point or another, prayed for peace - in the context of a relationship, a global conflict, or something inbetween. but what KIND of peace are we praying for, exactly? if you're like me, then you're probably praying for the hippie kind of peace. like, let's just all learn to love one another. not that that's a bad thing at all (because it's a very good thing!), but, it's very human-focused. it's like, we can all solve this if we just love each other. when i think about all the times i've prayed for peace (whether it was about a friendship or a war), i am thinking about it totally in terms of PEOPLE bringing peace to the situation. but then, why am i even praying? if i think - subconciously or not - that problems can be solved by people simply treating one another with respect and love, why do i feel the need to pray about that?
i think it's fairly clear, when looking at the course of history, that humans simply are not good at bringing peace to situations on their own. in fact, we are really, really bad at it. why do we look to figures like martin luther king jr. and mother teresa and call them "peace-makers"? i think it's because they were some of the rare people who could be and were actually peaceful people. if everyone were like that, we wouldn't have to look to these historical figures as examples, because it would just be the norm for everyone to be that way. and even if we can be peace-makers on our own, how long does that last? until another conflict comes around? certainly even mlk jr. and mother teresa went through times of wanting to wring someone's neck. nobody can keep that peacefulness up all the time - and definitely not on their own. i don't care how much of a saint you are. we simply cannot do this on our own. clearly, we need to the peace of Jesus - and that is not the same as the peace of the world. i don't know that i'd ever quite made that distinction, at least not in the way that it is now making sense to me.
so i'm not quite sure what exactly all this means. it made me reconsider some of the political views i hold (not change them, really - but think about). i wouldn't call myself a democrat or republican (i am still in the idealistic-college-student mentality of feeling unsatisfied by choosing a political party, i suppose), but i do tend to support more liberal candidates and policies. i voted for obama and am extremely happy that he won (please don't be turned off by this if you don't agree - i promise to not talk about politics anymore!), and i voted for him for many reasons, but i do think one reason was that i was very encouraged and excited by his messages of peace and hope... and, well, those things are great. but they are not even close to the same as the peace and hope of Jesus. if am i clinging to the ideology of a group of people who want to see peace, i should not feel too secure. while earthly peace is a good thing, i think it detracts me from seeking TRUE peace - the peace only Jesus can bring. when He is graciously offering His peace that i could never dream of bringing to myself, why would i ignore that simply to attempt to bring about earthly peace that has no chance of lasting? this realization hasn't really changed my political views, so much as it's just made me realize our deep, deep, ridiculously huge need for Christ.
well i didn't mean to turn this into a long rambly theological thing... and i am no biblical scholar, so please feel free to add to this or criticize it or whatever you want to do!
peace to you - the Jesus kind :)
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