this is for you, mom

i have a grocery budget. i spend half of this money at starbucks.

i have a PPO. i don't really know what this means.

i'm flossing more than i used to. i mainly do this because i'm too lazy/scared to have to find a dentist.

i went to a 21+ concert recently. i also recently saw high school musical 3 twice.

there are people my age working on wall street. there are people my age starring in disney channel shows.

somewhere between the first and second sentences of those phrases above is where i am right now in life. seemingly, i'm an adult. i do "adult" things. i have a job. i appear adult-like. but i'm not all there yet. i'm young. i'm not grown up - partly because i don't want to be, and partly because i don't know how to be. so i guess i'm in a transition. i'm in this weird liminal state of feeling young in an adult world, and feeling like an adult in a young world. i am somewhere in the middle. not in the "i'm-not-a-girl-not-yet-a-woman britney-spears circa 2002" way, but in a "how-do-i-move-forward-and-become" sort of way. if that makes sense. if not, all that needs to be said is that i graduated from college 6 months ago and am now trying to figure out how to become a mature, smart, purposeful woman and also stay youthful, idealistic, and... me. i want to be a better, older me - but still me. and something's happening right now, because time continues to move forward, second by second, day by day. but the question is - who am i becoming as time goes on, and how do i live each day to become who i want to become? ok, those are two questions. i have lots of questions.

this blog is going to be random. like watching sex and the city - the scenes where carrie is sitting at in her apartment, her head cocked the the side, wearing something ridiculous and typing her newest column on her laptop. and her voice-over would say something obvious and weird and you wonder how she makes so much money as a writer, because her thoughts are jumbled and self-centered. but then, sometimes i watch that show and connect with her thoughts. and maybe other women (and men?) do sometimes, as well. so i guess it's all worth it. (sidenote: i have no idea what the point of that show actually it is - i might be going too deep with this)

anyway, my point of writing the previous paragraph (getting my writing started is always the hardest for me, so i apologize in advance for how poorly constructed my first thoughts are. i also apologize for my excessive use of paranthetical phrases and hypens - i love them - a lot), was just to give you, however many of you there are (1? 2?) an idea of what i'm doing in this blog. i process things well when i write them down. my most emotionally-healthy times in life - not the easiest or best, but the times when i most understand what God is doing in my life - are the times i write my thoughts each day. and it's been a while since i did that. the last few times i've written in my journal have been forced. actually i think the last time was the night of the election, because i wanted to be able to someday show my grandkids what i wrote the day we elected obama. however, i just re-read that entry and it turns out my thoughts on that night could've been written by a 10-year-old. it was a late night (my poor excuse for bad writing).

anyway, i love writing. i love what it does to me. and if it connects with you in any way, well then, that's only by the grace of God. and if it doesn't, at least it's therapeutic for me. back to the "carrie" analogy... for those of you who haven't seen the show, she is a writer who just kind of has these strange, interesting, mundane-if-you-walk-the-streets-of-new-york-every-day experiences, and then she writes a column for a newspaper... but she doesn't really write about her personal experiences. instead, she writes in a way that is extremely influenced by what those experiences have done to her. so the whole thing is kind of self-centered and touchy-feely and i often find myself very annoyed by her - but you can tell that by choosing to fully immerse herself in her writing, she comes to a certain level of self-awareness that most people don't have. so, that will kind of be how i approach this blog, although i will try my best to make it focused outward as well as inward. "try" being the key word, there. i am just going to write about things that i've gone through, and things that i'm currently going through, and try to make sense of it all. so i invite you to take part in my writing, and i really hope you do so! many of my friends are currently going through life experiences similar to mine right now - graduating from college, working at my first "grown-up" job (as i like to call it), and relating all too well with liz lemon's fear of investing money.

so i welcome any and all comments (i also welcome prayers) about anything! i love writing and am excited to get into the habit again, but i haven't taken a formal writing class since high school. i would love to grow as a writer so please feel free to leave comments or suggestions. also i don't like capitalizing and i've already discussed my love of these parantheses and hyphens, so please don't make me change those things.

one of the biggest things i learned in college is the how much a person's experiences color the way they view the world. our experiences make us who we are. so many of my strong opinions (or my wishy-washy, relativistic opinions, for that matter) come from specific experiences i've had - specific experiences i can easily pinpoint. but we all have different experiences, which is why i would love to hear what you have to say about my ramblings. i will try to be as honest and vulnerable as i can be, while still being aware that my thoughts and feelings are so tied to my recent experiences in life. so whether you are younger or older, your experiences and thoughts are helpful, so please feel free to share - either on this blog or to my email address (laurenehaney@gmail.com). and if nobody reads or responds to this, then i will still keep writing because it's free therapy! and real therapy is also good. but this is free and free things win for this young working girl.

ok. so now i'll briefly explain what i've done and where i hope to go with this whole endeavor...

i am recently 22 (officially the first birthday that made me feel like a real adult) and a recent college graduate. my college experience was incredible, in so many ways. i am both very relieved and incredibly sad to be done with it. but it had to end and i am excited to be slogging my way through this first year of post-college, because as confusing and frustrating and sad as it is, it is a year that must happen and it's good to be halfway through it.

i went to college not sure of what i wanted, but i was interested in writing, journalism, and english. after one english class, though, i realized that wasn't the "write" (haha! if you're dedicated enough to read my incredibly long notes, i'll reward you with puns and witty comments) route for me. (i was also 17 and thought dying my hair black was a good idea). i ended up studying business and economics, which wasn't totally "me" but actually was the right area of study for me. at a different school, i might have been frustrated with that choice of major, but at wheaton, it was great. i was able to learn about this field from a very strong christian perspective, which i think has really helped me gain a strong outlook on a very secular part of our world. and i constantly attempt to become more knowledgeable about economics, (i also subscribe to "the economist" in an attempt to be well-informed, and also, if i'm being honest, to appear well-read when i'm reading it on the treadmill at the gym) although i don't think that part of my brain functions as well as i would like. but i do try, and i am so thankful for each and every academic experience i had in college.

the most formative parts of my college experience were the relationships i formed and the overseas experiences i was able to have - more on these in later posts, i'm sure.

after graduation, i was excited. college is a bubble - which is not always bad but tends to be not great at the end of senior year - and i was ready to leave. until graduation day. and then i was just incredibly sad. but this is the beginning of the rest of my life! it's fun and free and i have a degree! i can do anything! but what happens when what you want to do (and the only thing you feel ready to do) is be with your friends and live in the community that has become home? how do you start a new community? can you join one? can you sort of stay in your old one? will that ease the transition, or just make you feel out of place? will you ever feel so... able to learn and grow and question? is the next stage of life just like the last one ("i integrated into a new community once - i can do it again!") or is it totally different? how long is this transition? is all of adult life a transition? if i ever stopped transitioning, would i be sad and feel trapped and then WANT to transition into something new? i don't know. these are the questions that swirl in my head every day. so if you're older and wiser, please let me know if these questions ever get answered. ok this is getting way too existential (philosophical people - feel free to add your deep thoughts here! i personally am getting a headache, though, so i'm going to stop).

so that's where i am. another random thought (sometimes my weird, random thoughts are the best ways to verbalize feelings that i can't quite articulate) - i am currently watching college basketball, and it is so strange to think that every person playing is younger than me. how weird is that?

well that's all i have for now. my goal is to write something new here each day, but i might miss days sometimes. if i do miss days, you can take that as a sign that i am unable or unwilling to articulate my thoughts on that particular day. or that i'm watching "gossip girl" and can't be bothered! just kidding. kind of. i don't really have a formula or a template for my writing. i don't know what i'll want to write about on any given day, but every entry will be an attempt to understand, learn about, grow from, and immerse myself in this transition.

thanks for reading!