well it's very late, and i'm very tired...
but today i did something new and exciting and i thought i should share. i drove to peoria (my first foray into the southernish part of illinois!) to audition for survivor. yes, the actual, real, cbs, jeff-probst-hosted survivor. since it was being held at a thing called "family fest" i was a little nervous that it might be a "hometown idol"-type thing... like "peoria's survivor!" or something fake like that. but no, it was a real audition for survivor! legit!
i took the trip w/ my roommate julie, who is both adventurous AND willing to wake up at 7 am on a saturday. we passed through several extremely small towns... including el paso, illinois. for some reason, i pity small towns whose names are more easily recongizable as names of bigger cities. like "paris, texas." it's just weird to me. now, i have "lived" in illinois since the fall of 2004, but i've never been anywhere other than chicago and chicago's suburbs. it's actually a huge state outside of those areas, which should be obvious but wasn't to me.
we arrived in peoria safely due to my new GPS system that my parents bought me for christmas, i think both because they love me and pity my extremely poor navigation skills. anyway that thing is AMAZING! and it fixes your mistakes for you! julie and i would probably still be stuck in eureka (home of ronald reagan's alma mater!) if not for this incredible invention.
so julie and i arrived at the peoria convention center and paid $5 (RIP-OFF if you're not using the opportunity to audition for survivor), entered some door prize competitions, found the survivor booth, and started scoping out the competition. and honestly, there wasn't much competition. there was a guy missing some teeth, and another guy who was SUPER INTENSE. his "interview" basically sounded like he was just reading his resume, but in a super intense voice. intense is really the only way i can describe him. i was intimidated but not defeated.
anyway, so julie and i filled out our applications (which took about half an hour), answering questions like "who is your hero and why?" and "describe your perfect day" and "what would you NOT do for one million dollars?"
answering these questions was both a joy and a burden. i mean, i love surveys, but also hate things that feel like homework. hmm.
after filling them out, we waited in a very short line to get our chance to really shine in front of the camera. and by "shine," i mean stutter, stumble, gesticulate awkwardly, and BS my way through a 2-minute monologue about why i should be on the 19th (yes, 19th) season of survivor. to give you a little taste of how classy and prepared i was, my on-camera monologue consisted of the following reasons as to why CBS should pick me:
1. it's COLD in illinois and i'd like to go to a desert island
2. i'm young and adventurous (i know, this is an extremely unique answer - one i'm sure the producers have yet to hear)
3. i want to be a co-host on "the view," so i'm just trying to follow in elizabeth hasselbeck's footsteps (she got her start on "survivor" - imdb it!)
and of course, in order to be super classy, i ended by singing a few lines from the destiny's child classic, "survivor."
so basically, i think i'm a shoe-in.
not but seriously - my audition was disjointed, ill-prepared, awkward, and a little condescending toward CBS, i think. and i think my application was probably too sarcastic. but it was a very fun morning!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
ohh what have i even been doing lately
first of all, i apologize for the lonnnnnnng delay in posting - to those of you who actually read this junk.
secondly, i apologize in advance for this entry and how incoherent and nonsensical it may be. i haven't written in a long time, and i just feel a need to ramble. a lot.
so there's this episode of the office, where jim comes back after working in stamford, and his first conversation with kelly goes something like this:
jim: "hey kelly! how have you been?"
kelly: "omigod jim. brangelina had a baby and they named her shiloh, and tom and katie had a baby and named her suri, and both babies are so A-MAZ-ING."
jim: "oh that's great - but what's going on with you?"
kelly: "i just told you!"
annnnd i am currently kelly kapur. for the past week or two, i have been watching a lot of lost. and when i say a lot, i mean A LOT. way too much. i am ashamed of myself - but also, it's such a great show, so i'm not totally ashamed. but anyway, on wednesday, thursday, and friday night, i pretty much just watched lost from dinnertime til bedtime, and yesterday i watched almost all of season 4. as i was getting ready for bed last night, i was thinking to myself "what did i do today... what am i doing... how have i grown or changed or learned as a person today..." and the answers were "nothing... i don't know.... not at all." and then i just felt disoriented and depressed and tried to fall asleep.
fantastic show, but i need to just re-enter society.
so what else has been going on in the month since i've posted... i don't know. a lot of things and not very many things.
work is going well. today i got a strange urge to look for jobs (maybe this is because it's been insanely cold and i can't bear to spend another winter here?) so i did. but i don't really want a new job now - i was just sort of looking for looking's sake.
so last week, we had a new "interim executive director" start at work. seeing as there are only 8 other people working there, it's a pretty big deal to get a new leader. this lady seems really great, so far. i'm very excited to have a new leader who seems very eager to analyze, learn, make changes, hand out raises (wishful thinking...), etc...
i had a one-on-one meeting with her on friday, and i tried my very best to be professional for that meeting. i answered most of her questions with nice, neat answers. i tried to be honest, but also, there's a part of me that gets nervous that i'll say something too honest or too unprofessional and i'll immediately be fired. so anyway, when i told her that i graduated last may and this is my first job, she said something to the effect of "ohh you're a baby!" like they all do. and i smiled and said "mmmhmmm yeah i guess so." part of me likes when my co-workers treat me that way, because it makes me feel like i'm still young and free, and it's OK to not know what i'm doing. the other part of me wants to say "i'm an adult!! back off me!"
so she asked me how this first year of post-college life is going and how i like my job (again - i struggled with the whole "how honest am i allowed to be" question), but ended up saying something like "oh it's neat! i'm finding the whole process to be interesting!" i do feel like i'm in the right place right now, so i try to be optimistic. at the same time though, i struggle with how to balance my optimism and contentedness with my feelings of lonliness, fear, anxiety, etc...
for instance, i think i could answer the question "how do you like your job?" in two ways:
1. "it's great! it's a good learning experience and i like figuring out how the working world works, and i hope to find new ways to be creative in this job"
or
2. "well, half the stuff i do every day is boring, and i wish my job were more creative and interesting, and i hope i don't have to work here for much more than a year. and i just left a community i loved and i miss my friends and family in other places and i'm lonely and confused."
so the first option makes me sound very happy-go-lucky-optimistic and the second makes me sound bratty, angsty, and ungrateful - and i feel a little shameful that i actually really believe both to be true. ideally, i would not be one of those people who is way too cheerful nor the person who's way too bratty, but alas, it seems that i am. i can honestly say i believe each of the above statements to be true, at the same time. it's sort of messing with my mind (much like "lost" - ahhh there IS a purpose to all my tv-viewing)
back to my meeting w/ the our new director - so after i gave my nice, neat answer about liking work, she just kind of stared at me and my heart started beating faster and i didn't know if i should keep talking or laugh (probably not - i'm pretty sure i laugh more than is professional), so i just sort of uncrossed my legs and crossed them again and awkwardly took a drink of water in an attempt to avert her glare, and finally she started talking again and i was relieved. and she just told me about how this year is hard - it's hard to leave your college community, and it's hard to go to work with people who know what they're good at, and who know how to do what they're good at, and meanwhile i just sit there and think i'm too inexperienced for this. so it was actually a really good conversation, and i was glad that she seemed to care about me on a personal level, and that she understood where i was without me having to tell her.
i remember being at work in kenya, and i would always get SO ANNOYED because my co-workers would talk and drink tea too much (or so i thought) and when i wanted to get something done, they didn't always see the need to get it done right away. of course, i'd heard that relationship-buildling is valued more than productivity, and i thought i'd be OK with that. but then, when i really wanted to get some work done, i would be like "OH MY GOSH i can't do this" and i'd feel bad that i was so bad at working there, and so unfit and unpatient and i suddenly realized that something i had always thought i was good at i was maybe not so good at. and not willing to be good at.
i sort of digress... but the point is, during my meeting with this woman, i thought, "wow! she really values relationships above productivity!" and then i was just very unsure of how to proceed with the conversation, because i didn't want her to think that i just want to sit around and talk all day and not do my work.
ok i am going in too many directions mentally right now, so i'm going to need to stop. i guess the main thing i'm thinking about right now is what am i good at and what do i love. and if that topic and this post totally do not relate, don't worry - you're not crazy. i feel like in my heart and mind, i just have many different glasses full of things i'm thinking about right now - and in writing this entry, i've taken a few of the glasses and dumped all their contents out (yes, out onto blogger.com), and i've taken other glasses and dumped a little bit out, and i've just completed ignored other (though not any less important) glasses because i'm only writing a blog entry, not a novel. so if this entry doesn't meet my goal of connecting to other people, it has at least met my other goal of free therapy.
also, i'm thinking of taking up a musical instrument (mom, you were right when told me i'd regret quitting piano lessons!), so i'm taking suggestions for which instrument i should try. i'm hoping the fact that i used to be marginally musical means it won't be insanely hard to start learning something. some things to consider: i used to play piano and trombone (though i wasn't great at either) and i can no longer read music. also i do not currently own any instrument, so probably not the organ or bass or anything cumbersome like that.
ok that's it. my brain's fried. i WILL be more focused about writing in this regularly!
secondly, i apologize in advance for this entry and how incoherent and nonsensical it may be. i haven't written in a long time, and i just feel a need to ramble. a lot.
so there's this episode of the office, where jim comes back after working in stamford, and his first conversation with kelly goes something like this:
jim: "hey kelly! how have you been?"
kelly: "omigod jim. brangelina had a baby and they named her shiloh, and tom and katie had a baby and named her suri, and both babies are so A-MAZ-ING."
jim: "oh that's great - but what's going on with you?"
kelly: "i just told you!"
annnnd i am currently kelly kapur. for the past week or two, i have been watching a lot of lost. and when i say a lot, i mean A LOT. way too much. i am ashamed of myself - but also, it's such a great show, so i'm not totally ashamed. but anyway, on wednesday, thursday, and friday night, i pretty much just watched lost from dinnertime til bedtime, and yesterday i watched almost all of season 4. as i was getting ready for bed last night, i was thinking to myself "what did i do today... what am i doing... how have i grown or changed or learned as a person today..." and the answers were "nothing... i don't know.... not at all." and then i just felt disoriented and depressed and tried to fall asleep.
fantastic show, but i need to just re-enter society.
so what else has been going on in the month since i've posted... i don't know. a lot of things and not very many things.
work is going well. today i got a strange urge to look for jobs (maybe this is because it's been insanely cold and i can't bear to spend another winter here?) so i did. but i don't really want a new job now - i was just sort of looking for looking's sake.
so last week, we had a new "interim executive director" start at work. seeing as there are only 8 other people working there, it's a pretty big deal to get a new leader. this lady seems really great, so far. i'm very excited to have a new leader who seems very eager to analyze, learn, make changes, hand out raises (wishful thinking...), etc...
i had a one-on-one meeting with her on friday, and i tried my very best to be professional for that meeting. i answered most of her questions with nice, neat answers. i tried to be honest, but also, there's a part of me that gets nervous that i'll say something too honest or too unprofessional and i'll immediately be fired. so anyway, when i told her that i graduated last may and this is my first job, she said something to the effect of "ohh you're a baby!" like they all do. and i smiled and said "mmmhmmm yeah i guess so." part of me likes when my co-workers treat me that way, because it makes me feel like i'm still young and free, and it's OK to not know what i'm doing. the other part of me wants to say "i'm an adult!! back off me!"
so she asked me how this first year of post-college life is going and how i like my job (again - i struggled with the whole "how honest am i allowed to be" question), but ended up saying something like "oh it's neat! i'm finding the whole process to be interesting!" i do feel like i'm in the right place right now, so i try to be optimistic. at the same time though, i struggle with how to balance my optimism and contentedness with my feelings of lonliness, fear, anxiety, etc...
for instance, i think i could answer the question "how do you like your job?" in two ways:
1. "it's great! it's a good learning experience and i like figuring out how the working world works, and i hope to find new ways to be creative in this job"
or
2. "well, half the stuff i do every day is boring, and i wish my job were more creative and interesting, and i hope i don't have to work here for much more than a year. and i just left a community i loved and i miss my friends and family in other places and i'm lonely and confused."
so the first option makes me sound very happy-go-lucky-optimistic and the second makes me sound bratty, angsty, and ungrateful - and i feel a little shameful that i actually really believe both to be true. ideally, i would not be one of those people who is way too cheerful nor the person who's way too bratty, but alas, it seems that i am. i can honestly say i believe each of the above statements to be true, at the same time. it's sort of messing with my mind (much like "lost" - ahhh there IS a purpose to all my tv-viewing)
back to my meeting w/ the our new director - so after i gave my nice, neat answer about liking work, she just kind of stared at me and my heart started beating faster and i didn't know if i should keep talking or laugh (probably not - i'm pretty sure i laugh more than is professional), so i just sort of uncrossed my legs and crossed them again and awkwardly took a drink of water in an attempt to avert her glare, and finally she started talking again and i was relieved. and she just told me about how this year is hard - it's hard to leave your college community, and it's hard to go to work with people who know what they're good at, and who know how to do what they're good at, and meanwhile i just sit there and think i'm too inexperienced for this. so it was actually a really good conversation, and i was glad that she seemed to care about me on a personal level, and that she understood where i was without me having to tell her.
i remember being at work in kenya, and i would always get SO ANNOYED because my co-workers would talk and drink tea too much (or so i thought) and when i wanted to get something done, they didn't always see the need to get it done right away. of course, i'd heard that relationship-buildling is valued more than productivity, and i thought i'd be OK with that. but then, when i really wanted to get some work done, i would be like "OH MY GOSH i can't do this" and i'd feel bad that i was so bad at working there, and so unfit and unpatient and i suddenly realized that something i had always thought i was good at i was maybe not so good at. and not willing to be good at.
i sort of digress... but the point is, during my meeting with this woman, i thought, "wow! she really values relationships above productivity!" and then i was just very unsure of how to proceed with the conversation, because i didn't want her to think that i just want to sit around and talk all day and not do my work.
ok i am going in too many directions mentally right now, so i'm going to need to stop. i guess the main thing i'm thinking about right now is what am i good at and what do i love. and if that topic and this post totally do not relate, don't worry - you're not crazy. i feel like in my heart and mind, i just have many different glasses full of things i'm thinking about right now - and in writing this entry, i've taken a few of the glasses and dumped all their contents out (yes, out onto blogger.com), and i've taken other glasses and dumped a little bit out, and i've just completed ignored other (though not any less important) glasses because i'm only writing a blog entry, not a novel. so if this entry doesn't meet my goal of connecting to other people, it has at least met my other goal of free therapy.
also, i'm thinking of taking up a musical instrument (mom, you were right when told me i'd regret quitting piano lessons!), so i'm taking suggestions for which instrument i should try. i'm hoping the fact that i used to be marginally musical means it won't be insanely hard to start learning something. some things to consider: i used to play piano and trombone (though i wasn't great at either) and i can no longer read music. also i do not currently own any instrument, so probably not the organ or bass or anything cumbersome like that.
ok that's it. my brain's fried. i WILL be more focused about writing in this regularly!
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