I am not sure what came over me tonight, but I needed to write something. Or, maybe not so much write something as just express a mess of emotions and hopefully see if anyone else has experienced similar things. I guess that's a naive thing to say - I think a lot of others have experienced similar emotions. I am just not always very good at expressing faults that I see no way of easily fixing... but here goes.
I'm posting on another blog right now, but it's about running and Kenya, and seeing as my thoughts tonight have nothing to do with either, I thought I should write something here.
Tonight I sat down to read my bible - which certainly doesn't happen every night. I found myself unsure of what to read or what to think or what kind of state to try to get myself into. No matter how much I've grown and matured spiritually in my life, I've continued to have this same struggle since I was in high school, probably. Fantastic! I've heard of people - who are probably much stronger spiritually than I am, or just more trusting - say things like, "Today I just asked God to lead my bible-reading time, and I flipped open to _______ and it was exactly what I needed to read." So, when I'm feeling distant from God and lazy (which is more often than I'd like to admit), I sometimes think, ok I'll just open my bible and read a passage and see what it says to me. And then I read like, one of the lineages in the Old Testament, and I'm like, crap I didn't get anything out of that. Should've tried harder to "randomly flip" to Romans. I don't always treat my bible reading like roullette, obviously, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I often don't even know how to approach my bible reading time with God. I just feel like I spend so much of my time wrapped up in my own thoughts, goals, ideas, etc... that when I'm forced to be silent in front of God, I just don't know what to say or do or think. And I always think to myself - well, someday, I'll be spending hours a day studying the word and being in prayer, and this will all come easily to me. I won't feel like an imposter. Maybe that's too strong of a word for this scenario, but it's late and I can't think of a less-strong word that sort of means the same thing. But, how do I expect that to happen? And, is it even a matter of spending a lot of time and energy? Or does my heart just need to change? I cannot change myself - that is one thing I've learned for sure in the past year or so. But, God can change my heart, and I feel like I am not open to it, so often. So consequently, I do not change, which is so frustrating.
So, tonight, I read for a bit (mmmmmm 30 seconds) and then got annoyed that I wasn't doing anything useful or feeling anything, so I stopped. And I just felt God say to me, just calm down! I think I shove things off - my emotions, my struggles - because it seems to hard to deal with everything. I have a picture of myself as I'd like to be - healthy, joyful, committed, vulnerable, accessible - and then I have the reality of who I am now, and it's hard to figure out how I get from the reality to the hope on my own. Because I think I should be able to do it on my own. I think I try to focus on how I think my life should be, and how I want it to be, but then I get so overwhelmed because some things that I want aren't my present reality. And I don't see how or when they might be my reality. Mixed in with that is comparison to other people, as well as comparing my present state with how I wish things would be. I've always been a believer that this sort of self-reflection can be a good thing, because it can force you to see, "ok if I'm not satisfied, WHY am I not satisfied? Can I change it?" But, I don't know - I guess it can be good, but it can also be paralyzing. I feel like God is saying to me, just focus on ME. Look straight at me - not at my friends who I compare myself to, not to other people who have the jobs/lifestyles I wish I had, not to my vision of who I wish I could be - just focus on me. That is so hard to do. Is it just me? I know we all have spiritual struggles, but I don't know if this is something that is just insanely hard for everyone. So, I will try. I don't really even know what trying looks like. Maybe it's a discipline thing. How do you keep from focusing on your own plans and ambitions, and your friends and other people who have what you think you want? This may all be very basic, but it's what is stifling me, spiritually, right now.
Anyway, that's all I have for now. Kudos to you if you read through all that. I won't even try to wrap this up nicely because I feel unsettled, so if this post sounds unsettling, I guess that's fine.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
sunday night thoughts
this is one of my favorite times of the week - sunday night.
i used to hate this time - in college, around this time every sunday night, i'd be worried about the homework or papers or studying i'd put off all weekend. i typically dreaded monday mornings for that reason. now, though, i kind of love this time. my sundays are typically very refreshing and relaxing. i could go to bed at any moment (and i probably will pretty soon), and when i wake up in the morning i'll be well-rested - instead of freaking out b/c i have to do some homework before an 8 a.m. class.
i've never appreciated the weekends quite like i do now.
well, the last time i wrote, i had just returned from my survivor audition. as i'm sure you're all on pins and needles waiting to hear an update, i can tell you that i haven't yet heard back from CBS. key word being "yet," because i'm sure they'll call soon... i'm holding out hope.
anyway, today i went to the art museum in chicago. i love anything that's free - and this month, the art museum has free admission every day! i figure the $5 chai tea i bought before we went to the museum sort of cancels out the free museum admission, but whatever. anyway, we decided to take advantage of the free museum, along with about half the city of chicago. i normally dislike crowds, but today i didn't really mind. it's nice to see a bunch of different people all enjoying the same art. it's even cool to see parents with their little kids looking at the exhibits. i kept thinking that it was so cool that these kids were being exposed to different types of art early in life - but it's very possible that the kids were bored and couldn't wait to get past all the boring art and get some hot chocolate or something. maybe i'm too idealistic.
anyway, there was a Yousuf Karsh exhibit at the museum, and it was amazing. i love photography, but i often don't hold photographers in the same esteem as say, painters or sculptors, because it just doesn't seem as difficult. i often think "if i had a more expensive camera, i could take a picture like that" (which i'm sure is a stupid, naive opinion - but it's my opinion). but seeing karsh's photographs up close was so amazing. they were so beautiful. it really is an art. to be able to capture a person's thoughts and vibes and life experiences in one photograph is really incredible. and that's what his photos do. i was actually taken aback by some of the photographs - i would look at them and they would seem so lifelike and real and vibrant, like they were just taken yesterday - and then i would read on the little information plaque that they were actually taken 60 or 70 years ago. it was quite shocking and beautiful. my favorite one is this one of ernest hemingway: http://karsh.org/#/the_work/portraits/ernest_hemingway/.
so this weekend i also started liking a couple of new things - arrested development and david sedaris. and yes, i am writing this in 2009. as a general rule, i like to get into things when they're no longer trendy. i had seen some random episodes of AD, and always thought it was funny, but i never had the commitment to watch the entire show in its entirety. and yes, i was aware that it wasn't even that long. on friday and saturday, i watched the first 5 episodes and i was like, wow this is really good! why have i not ever watched it all the way through before? i typically lack commitment with tv shows, i guess.
i also started reading a david sedaris book today, which is hilarious! i've read short excerpts of his stuff before, and have always found it funny, but again, always lacked the commitment to read a whole book. he's laugh out loud funny, though. literally, i laughed out loud on the train. i can imagine that was annoying and/or weird for the guy sitting directly in front of me.
i don't know why i resist things (books, movies, tv shows) that i know i would probably enjoy if i just dedicated a little bit of time. this is probably representative of bigger emotional/psychological things within me, but i won't get into that. anyway, i think i don't like to be trendy. i like to either be on the early or late end of trends. i do credit myself with being early on several trends - i loved freaks and geeks before the whole judd apatow crowd was famous (actually, i guess i can credit my parents with that one!), i liked 30 rock before most people knew it was even on tv, and one time i got a pair of earrings that ended up in some fashion magazine after i'd had them for a while (actually they were a gift from someone - no matter.)
typically, though, i am not trendy or cool enough to catch onto a trend right before or right as it's becoming cool. some people are very good at being indie or trendy, but i am just not. i think there's a fine line between being actually indie/cool and simply trying to be cool. anybody with a little spare time and a somewhat active imagination can go to myspace, type in a phrase like "thursdays at the movies" and see if it's the name of a band (it probably is. those indie bands all have names that are so simple that you think they must have a deeper meaning), and then buy one of their albums (unless they're so new they don't even have a record deal yet, which means Bonus Indie Points!). anyway, i just don't have the energy to do that. however, there are other people who are just naturally drawn to music, movies, tv shows, or fashion that are kind of under-the-radar, and they like these things because they actually enjoy them - not just so they can say they were the first one to like them (guilty! see above paragraph). these are the true cool people. they are born that way, i assume.
so, since i cannot ever be the latter, and i really do not want to be the former, i have resigned myself to being the person who sometimes likes indie-ish things (although i normally have to give credit to other people for introducing me to such things), but who doesn't feel bad about liking low-brow things like jack black movies and justin timberlake.
i don't mind being incredibly late on trends, though. like 15 years late, in the case of david sedaris. or maybe more than that. when did he become famous? i don't know. in keeping with the spirit of this entry, i will not google it to see if i should be embarassed by my lack of knowledge about a book i just bought. oh well - it's kind of nice to jump on the bandwagon incredibly late, because that way i can be sure something is of a high enough quality to stay around for a while. are people still going to be talking about the secret five years from now? probably not, but we ARE still talking about anna karenina 130 years after it was written, and they're both in oprah's book club, so you see, sometimes it's difficult to judge these things. i like to let things stand the test of time a little bit before deciding whether or not to embrace them. sometimes you just have to wait decades or centuries to see whether or not something's really worth the effort.
in regard to a couple of things, i have jumped on the bandwagon so late that i don't know if you can really even call it "jumping on the bandwagon" anymore. i mean, i'm so late that the bandwagon is already in the next town. (i'm not sure if i'm using this metaphor correctly anymore) - anyway, i recently started watching LOST, which is so great. i totally missed the exciting first season, the equally exciting second season, the lackluster third season (during which many fans stopped watching - but i, the superfan, had not even begun watching yet), the much-better fourth season (during which people who had been fans since the beginning told people to start watching again, because it was getting good again. at this point, i am still living comfortably in my lost-free world). anyway, i was about mmmm 6 years late on the trend, but i don't regret it. sure, i spent a couple of weekends (that are gone forever and that i will never get back - but really, would i want to?) frying my brain watching 12 episodes a day in order to catch up. but i don't mind, because i now have a new favorite tv show. and those people who have been fans since the beginning? do they have anything i don't? less shame, maybe - but that's it.
ahh so anyway...
my clock is ticking toward 10 p.m. which means i need to get to bed soon! i'm pretty excited for the upcoming week, mainly because i am going to see jason mraz in concert on tuesday! it will be my fourth time seeing him, so i think that qualifies me as some sort of modern-day groupie or something. not in a bad way, just in a lover-of-the-music sort of way, i guess. i am hoping, in vain, that he sings his version "a hard rain's a gonna fall." jason mraz + that song = lots of my favorite musical-ly things going on at the same time.
thanks for reading, and again, i apologize for my over-eager use of paranthetical expressions!
i used to hate this time - in college, around this time every sunday night, i'd be worried about the homework or papers or studying i'd put off all weekend. i typically dreaded monday mornings for that reason. now, though, i kind of love this time. my sundays are typically very refreshing and relaxing. i could go to bed at any moment (and i probably will pretty soon), and when i wake up in the morning i'll be well-rested - instead of freaking out b/c i have to do some homework before an 8 a.m. class.
i've never appreciated the weekends quite like i do now.
well, the last time i wrote, i had just returned from my survivor audition. as i'm sure you're all on pins and needles waiting to hear an update, i can tell you that i haven't yet heard back from CBS. key word being "yet," because i'm sure they'll call soon... i'm holding out hope.
anyway, today i went to the art museum in chicago. i love anything that's free - and this month, the art museum has free admission every day! i figure the $5 chai tea i bought before we went to the museum sort of cancels out the free museum admission, but whatever. anyway, we decided to take advantage of the free museum, along with about half the city of chicago. i normally dislike crowds, but today i didn't really mind. it's nice to see a bunch of different people all enjoying the same art. it's even cool to see parents with their little kids looking at the exhibits. i kept thinking that it was so cool that these kids were being exposed to different types of art early in life - but it's very possible that the kids were bored and couldn't wait to get past all the boring art and get some hot chocolate or something. maybe i'm too idealistic.
anyway, there was a Yousuf Karsh exhibit at the museum, and it was amazing. i love photography, but i often don't hold photographers in the same esteem as say, painters or sculptors, because it just doesn't seem as difficult. i often think "if i had a more expensive camera, i could take a picture like that" (which i'm sure is a stupid, naive opinion - but it's my opinion). but seeing karsh's photographs up close was so amazing. they were so beautiful. it really is an art. to be able to capture a person's thoughts and vibes and life experiences in one photograph is really incredible. and that's what his photos do. i was actually taken aback by some of the photographs - i would look at them and they would seem so lifelike and real and vibrant, like they were just taken yesterday - and then i would read on the little information plaque that they were actually taken 60 or 70 years ago. it was quite shocking and beautiful. my favorite one is this one of ernest hemingway: http://karsh.org/#/the_work/portraits/ernest_hemingway/.
so this weekend i also started liking a couple of new things - arrested development and david sedaris. and yes, i am writing this in 2009. as a general rule, i like to get into things when they're no longer trendy. i had seen some random episodes of AD, and always thought it was funny, but i never had the commitment to watch the entire show in its entirety. and yes, i was aware that it wasn't even that long. on friday and saturday, i watched the first 5 episodes and i was like, wow this is really good! why have i not ever watched it all the way through before? i typically lack commitment with tv shows, i guess.
i also started reading a david sedaris book today, which is hilarious! i've read short excerpts of his stuff before, and have always found it funny, but again, always lacked the commitment to read a whole book. he's laugh out loud funny, though. literally, i laughed out loud on the train. i can imagine that was annoying and/or weird for the guy sitting directly in front of me.
i don't know why i resist things (books, movies, tv shows) that i know i would probably enjoy if i just dedicated a little bit of time. this is probably representative of bigger emotional/psychological things within me, but i won't get into that. anyway, i think i don't like to be trendy. i like to either be on the early or late end of trends. i do credit myself with being early on several trends - i loved freaks and geeks before the whole judd apatow crowd was famous (actually, i guess i can credit my parents with that one!), i liked 30 rock before most people knew it was even on tv, and one time i got a pair of earrings that ended up in some fashion magazine after i'd had them for a while (actually they were a gift from someone - no matter.)
typically, though, i am not trendy or cool enough to catch onto a trend right before or right as it's becoming cool. some people are very good at being indie or trendy, but i am just not. i think there's a fine line between being actually indie/cool and simply trying to be cool. anybody with a little spare time and a somewhat active imagination can go to myspace, type in a phrase like "thursdays at the movies" and see if it's the name of a band (it probably is. those indie bands all have names that are so simple that you think they must have a deeper meaning), and then buy one of their albums (unless they're so new they don't even have a record deal yet, which means Bonus Indie Points!). anyway, i just don't have the energy to do that. however, there are other people who are just naturally drawn to music, movies, tv shows, or fashion that are kind of under-the-radar, and they like these things because they actually enjoy them - not just so they can say they were the first one to like them (guilty! see above paragraph). these are the true cool people. they are born that way, i assume.
so, since i cannot ever be the latter, and i really do not want to be the former, i have resigned myself to being the person who sometimes likes indie-ish things (although i normally have to give credit to other people for introducing me to such things), but who doesn't feel bad about liking low-brow things like jack black movies and justin timberlake.
i don't mind being incredibly late on trends, though. like 15 years late, in the case of david sedaris. or maybe more than that. when did he become famous? i don't know. in keeping with the spirit of this entry, i will not google it to see if i should be embarassed by my lack of knowledge about a book i just bought. oh well - it's kind of nice to jump on the bandwagon incredibly late, because that way i can be sure something is of a high enough quality to stay around for a while. are people still going to be talking about the secret five years from now? probably not, but we ARE still talking about anna karenina 130 years after it was written, and they're both in oprah's book club, so you see, sometimes it's difficult to judge these things. i like to let things stand the test of time a little bit before deciding whether or not to embrace them. sometimes you just have to wait decades or centuries to see whether or not something's really worth the effort.
in regard to a couple of things, i have jumped on the bandwagon so late that i don't know if you can really even call it "jumping on the bandwagon" anymore. i mean, i'm so late that the bandwagon is already in the next town. (i'm not sure if i'm using this metaphor correctly anymore) - anyway, i recently started watching LOST, which is so great. i totally missed the exciting first season, the equally exciting second season, the lackluster third season (during which many fans stopped watching - but i, the superfan, had not even begun watching yet), the much-better fourth season (during which people who had been fans since the beginning told people to start watching again, because it was getting good again. at this point, i am still living comfortably in my lost-free world). anyway, i was about mmmm 6 years late on the trend, but i don't regret it. sure, i spent a couple of weekends (that are gone forever and that i will never get back - but really, would i want to?) frying my brain watching 12 episodes a day in order to catch up. but i don't mind, because i now have a new favorite tv show. and those people who have been fans since the beginning? do they have anything i don't? less shame, maybe - but that's it.
ahh so anyway...
my clock is ticking toward 10 p.m. which means i need to get to bed soon! i'm pretty excited for the upcoming week, mainly because i am going to see jason mraz in concert on tuesday! it will be my fourth time seeing him, so i think that qualifies me as some sort of modern-day groupie or something. not in a bad way, just in a lover-of-the-music sort of way, i guess. i am hoping, in vain, that he sings his version "a hard rain's a gonna fall." jason mraz + that song = lots of my favorite musical-ly things going on at the same time.
thanks for reading, and again, i apologize for my over-eager use of paranthetical expressions!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
i'm a survivor, i'm not gon' give up!
well it's very late, and i'm very tired...
but today i did something new and exciting and i thought i should share. i drove to peoria (my first foray into the southernish part of illinois!) to audition for survivor. yes, the actual, real, cbs, jeff-probst-hosted survivor. since it was being held at a thing called "family fest" i was a little nervous that it might be a "hometown idol"-type thing... like "peoria's survivor!" or something fake like that. but no, it was a real audition for survivor! legit!
i took the trip w/ my roommate julie, who is both adventurous AND willing to wake up at 7 am on a saturday. we passed through several extremely small towns... including el paso, illinois. for some reason, i pity small towns whose names are more easily recongizable as names of bigger cities. like "paris, texas." it's just weird to me. now, i have "lived" in illinois since the fall of 2004, but i've never been anywhere other than chicago and chicago's suburbs. it's actually a huge state outside of those areas, which should be obvious but wasn't to me.
we arrived in peoria safely due to my new GPS system that my parents bought me for christmas, i think both because they love me and pity my extremely poor navigation skills. anyway that thing is AMAZING! and it fixes your mistakes for you! julie and i would probably still be stuck in eureka (home of ronald reagan's alma mater!) if not for this incredible invention.
so julie and i arrived at the peoria convention center and paid $5 (RIP-OFF if you're not using the opportunity to audition for survivor), entered some door prize competitions, found the survivor booth, and started scoping out the competition. and honestly, there wasn't much competition. there was a guy missing some teeth, and another guy who was SUPER INTENSE. his "interview" basically sounded like he was just reading his resume, but in a super intense voice. intense is really the only way i can describe him. i was intimidated but not defeated.
anyway, so julie and i filled out our applications (which took about half an hour), answering questions like "who is your hero and why?" and "describe your perfect day" and "what would you NOT do for one million dollars?"
answering these questions was both a joy and a burden. i mean, i love surveys, but also hate things that feel like homework. hmm.
after filling them out, we waited in a very short line to get our chance to really shine in front of the camera. and by "shine," i mean stutter, stumble, gesticulate awkwardly, and BS my way through a 2-minute monologue about why i should be on the 19th (yes, 19th) season of survivor. to give you a little taste of how classy and prepared i was, my on-camera monologue consisted of the following reasons as to why CBS should pick me:
1. it's COLD in illinois and i'd like to go to a desert island
2. i'm young and adventurous (i know, this is an extremely unique answer - one i'm sure the producers have yet to hear)
3. i want to be a co-host on "the view," so i'm just trying to follow in elizabeth hasselbeck's footsteps (she got her start on "survivor" - imdb it!)
and of course, in order to be super classy, i ended by singing a few lines from the destiny's child classic, "survivor."
so basically, i think i'm a shoe-in.
not but seriously - my audition was disjointed, ill-prepared, awkward, and a little condescending toward CBS, i think. and i think my application was probably too sarcastic. but it was a very fun morning!
but today i did something new and exciting and i thought i should share. i drove to peoria (my first foray into the southernish part of illinois!) to audition for survivor. yes, the actual, real, cbs, jeff-probst-hosted survivor. since it was being held at a thing called "family fest" i was a little nervous that it might be a "hometown idol"-type thing... like "peoria's survivor!" or something fake like that. but no, it was a real audition for survivor! legit!
i took the trip w/ my roommate julie, who is both adventurous AND willing to wake up at 7 am on a saturday. we passed through several extremely small towns... including el paso, illinois. for some reason, i pity small towns whose names are more easily recongizable as names of bigger cities. like "paris, texas." it's just weird to me. now, i have "lived" in illinois since the fall of 2004, but i've never been anywhere other than chicago and chicago's suburbs. it's actually a huge state outside of those areas, which should be obvious but wasn't to me.
we arrived in peoria safely due to my new GPS system that my parents bought me for christmas, i think both because they love me and pity my extremely poor navigation skills. anyway that thing is AMAZING! and it fixes your mistakes for you! julie and i would probably still be stuck in eureka (home of ronald reagan's alma mater!) if not for this incredible invention.
so julie and i arrived at the peoria convention center and paid $5 (RIP-OFF if you're not using the opportunity to audition for survivor), entered some door prize competitions, found the survivor booth, and started scoping out the competition. and honestly, there wasn't much competition. there was a guy missing some teeth, and another guy who was SUPER INTENSE. his "interview" basically sounded like he was just reading his resume, but in a super intense voice. intense is really the only way i can describe him. i was intimidated but not defeated.
anyway, so julie and i filled out our applications (which took about half an hour), answering questions like "who is your hero and why?" and "describe your perfect day" and "what would you NOT do for one million dollars?"
answering these questions was both a joy and a burden. i mean, i love surveys, but also hate things that feel like homework. hmm.
after filling them out, we waited in a very short line to get our chance to really shine in front of the camera. and by "shine," i mean stutter, stumble, gesticulate awkwardly, and BS my way through a 2-minute monologue about why i should be on the 19th (yes, 19th) season of survivor. to give you a little taste of how classy and prepared i was, my on-camera monologue consisted of the following reasons as to why CBS should pick me:
1. it's COLD in illinois and i'd like to go to a desert island
2. i'm young and adventurous (i know, this is an extremely unique answer - one i'm sure the producers have yet to hear)
3. i want to be a co-host on "the view," so i'm just trying to follow in elizabeth hasselbeck's footsteps (she got her start on "survivor" - imdb it!)
and of course, in order to be super classy, i ended by singing a few lines from the destiny's child classic, "survivor."
so basically, i think i'm a shoe-in.
not but seriously - my audition was disjointed, ill-prepared, awkward, and a little condescending toward CBS, i think. and i think my application was probably too sarcastic. but it was a very fun morning!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
ohh what have i even been doing lately
first of all, i apologize for the lonnnnnnng delay in posting - to those of you who actually read this junk.
secondly, i apologize in advance for this entry and how incoherent and nonsensical it may be. i haven't written in a long time, and i just feel a need to ramble. a lot.
so there's this episode of the office, where jim comes back after working in stamford, and his first conversation with kelly goes something like this:
jim: "hey kelly! how have you been?"
kelly: "omigod jim. brangelina had a baby and they named her shiloh, and tom and katie had a baby and named her suri, and both babies are so A-MAZ-ING."
jim: "oh that's great - but what's going on with you?"
kelly: "i just told you!"
annnnd i am currently kelly kapur. for the past week or two, i have been watching a lot of lost. and when i say a lot, i mean A LOT. way too much. i am ashamed of myself - but also, it's such a great show, so i'm not totally ashamed. but anyway, on wednesday, thursday, and friday night, i pretty much just watched lost from dinnertime til bedtime, and yesterday i watched almost all of season 4. as i was getting ready for bed last night, i was thinking to myself "what did i do today... what am i doing... how have i grown or changed or learned as a person today..." and the answers were "nothing... i don't know.... not at all." and then i just felt disoriented and depressed and tried to fall asleep.
fantastic show, but i need to just re-enter society.
so what else has been going on in the month since i've posted... i don't know. a lot of things and not very many things.
work is going well. today i got a strange urge to look for jobs (maybe this is because it's been insanely cold and i can't bear to spend another winter here?) so i did. but i don't really want a new job now - i was just sort of looking for looking's sake.
so last week, we had a new "interim executive director" start at work. seeing as there are only 8 other people working there, it's a pretty big deal to get a new leader. this lady seems really great, so far. i'm very excited to have a new leader who seems very eager to analyze, learn, make changes, hand out raises (wishful thinking...), etc...
i had a one-on-one meeting with her on friday, and i tried my very best to be professional for that meeting. i answered most of her questions with nice, neat answers. i tried to be honest, but also, there's a part of me that gets nervous that i'll say something too honest or too unprofessional and i'll immediately be fired. so anyway, when i told her that i graduated last may and this is my first job, she said something to the effect of "ohh you're a baby!" like they all do. and i smiled and said "mmmhmmm yeah i guess so." part of me likes when my co-workers treat me that way, because it makes me feel like i'm still young and free, and it's OK to not know what i'm doing. the other part of me wants to say "i'm an adult!! back off me!"
so she asked me how this first year of post-college life is going and how i like my job (again - i struggled with the whole "how honest am i allowed to be" question), but ended up saying something like "oh it's neat! i'm finding the whole process to be interesting!" i do feel like i'm in the right place right now, so i try to be optimistic. at the same time though, i struggle with how to balance my optimism and contentedness with my feelings of lonliness, fear, anxiety, etc...
for instance, i think i could answer the question "how do you like your job?" in two ways:
1. "it's great! it's a good learning experience and i like figuring out how the working world works, and i hope to find new ways to be creative in this job"
or
2. "well, half the stuff i do every day is boring, and i wish my job were more creative and interesting, and i hope i don't have to work here for much more than a year. and i just left a community i loved and i miss my friends and family in other places and i'm lonely and confused."
so the first option makes me sound very happy-go-lucky-optimistic and the second makes me sound bratty, angsty, and ungrateful - and i feel a little shameful that i actually really believe both to be true. ideally, i would not be one of those people who is way too cheerful nor the person who's way too bratty, but alas, it seems that i am. i can honestly say i believe each of the above statements to be true, at the same time. it's sort of messing with my mind (much like "lost" - ahhh there IS a purpose to all my tv-viewing)
back to my meeting w/ the our new director - so after i gave my nice, neat answer about liking work, she just kind of stared at me and my heart started beating faster and i didn't know if i should keep talking or laugh (probably not - i'm pretty sure i laugh more than is professional), so i just sort of uncrossed my legs and crossed them again and awkwardly took a drink of water in an attempt to avert her glare, and finally she started talking again and i was relieved. and she just told me about how this year is hard - it's hard to leave your college community, and it's hard to go to work with people who know what they're good at, and who know how to do what they're good at, and meanwhile i just sit there and think i'm too inexperienced for this. so it was actually a really good conversation, and i was glad that she seemed to care about me on a personal level, and that she understood where i was without me having to tell her.
i remember being at work in kenya, and i would always get SO ANNOYED because my co-workers would talk and drink tea too much (or so i thought) and when i wanted to get something done, they didn't always see the need to get it done right away. of course, i'd heard that relationship-buildling is valued more than productivity, and i thought i'd be OK with that. but then, when i really wanted to get some work done, i would be like "OH MY GOSH i can't do this" and i'd feel bad that i was so bad at working there, and so unfit and unpatient and i suddenly realized that something i had always thought i was good at i was maybe not so good at. and not willing to be good at.
i sort of digress... but the point is, during my meeting with this woman, i thought, "wow! she really values relationships above productivity!" and then i was just very unsure of how to proceed with the conversation, because i didn't want her to think that i just want to sit around and talk all day and not do my work.
ok i am going in too many directions mentally right now, so i'm going to need to stop. i guess the main thing i'm thinking about right now is what am i good at and what do i love. and if that topic and this post totally do not relate, don't worry - you're not crazy. i feel like in my heart and mind, i just have many different glasses full of things i'm thinking about right now - and in writing this entry, i've taken a few of the glasses and dumped all their contents out (yes, out onto blogger.com), and i've taken other glasses and dumped a little bit out, and i've just completed ignored other (though not any less important) glasses because i'm only writing a blog entry, not a novel. so if this entry doesn't meet my goal of connecting to other people, it has at least met my other goal of free therapy.
also, i'm thinking of taking up a musical instrument (mom, you were right when told me i'd regret quitting piano lessons!), so i'm taking suggestions for which instrument i should try. i'm hoping the fact that i used to be marginally musical means it won't be insanely hard to start learning something. some things to consider: i used to play piano and trombone (though i wasn't great at either) and i can no longer read music. also i do not currently own any instrument, so probably not the organ or bass or anything cumbersome like that.
ok that's it. my brain's fried. i WILL be more focused about writing in this regularly!
secondly, i apologize in advance for this entry and how incoherent and nonsensical it may be. i haven't written in a long time, and i just feel a need to ramble. a lot.
so there's this episode of the office, where jim comes back after working in stamford, and his first conversation with kelly goes something like this:
jim: "hey kelly! how have you been?"
kelly: "omigod jim. brangelina had a baby and they named her shiloh, and tom and katie had a baby and named her suri, and both babies are so A-MAZ-ING."
jim: "oh that's great - but what's going on with you?"
kelly: "i just told you!"
annnnd i am currently kelly kapur. for the past week or two, i have been watching a lot of lost. and when i say a lot, i mean A LOT. way too much. i am ashamed of myself - but also, it's such a great show, so i'm not totally ashamed. but anyway, on wednesday, thursday, and friday night, i pretty much just watched lost from dinnertime til bedtime, and yesterday i watched almost all of season 4. as i was getting ready for bed last night, i was thinking to myself "what did i do today... what am i doing... how have i grown or changed or learned as a person today..." and the answers were "nothing... i don't know.... not at all." and then i just felt disoriented and depressed and tried to fall asleep.
fantastic show, but i need to just re-enter society.
so what else has been going on in the month since i've posted... i don't know. a lot of things and not very many things.
work is going well. today i got a strange urge to look for jobs (maybe this is because it's been insanely cold and i can't bear to spend another winter here?) so i did. but i don't really want a new job now - i was just sort of looking for looking's sake.
so last week, we had a new "interim executive director" start at work. seeing as there are only 8 other people working there, it's a pretty big deal to get a new leader. this lady seems really great, so far. i'm very excited to have a new leader who seems very eager to analyze, learn, make changes, hand out raises (wishful thinking...), etc...
i had a one-on-one meeting with her on friday, and i tried my very best to be professional for that meeting. i answered most of her questions with nice, neat answers. i tried to be honest, but also, there's a part of me that gets nervous that i'll say something too honest or too unprofessional and i'll immediately be fired. so anyway, when i told her that i graduated last may and this is my first job, she said something to the effect of "ohh you're a baby!" like they all do. and i smiled and said "mmmhmmm yeah i guess so." part of me likes when my co-workers treat me that way, because it makes me feel like i'm still young and free, and it's OK to not know what i'm doing. the other part of me wants to say "i'm an adult!! back off me!"
so she asked me how this first year of post-college life is going and how i like my job (again - i struggled with the whole "how honest am i allowed to be" question), but ended up saying something like "oh it's neat! i'm finding the whole process to be interesting!" i do feel like i'm in the right place right now, so i try to be optimistic. at the same time though, i struggle with how to balance my optimism and contentedness with my feelings of lonliness, fear, anxiety, etc...
for instance, i think i could answer the question "how do you like your job?" in two ways:
1. "it's great! it's a good learning experience and i like figuring out how the working world works, and i hope to find new ways to be creative in this job"
or
2. "well, half the stuff i do every day is boring, and i wish my job were more creative and interesting, and i hope i don't have to work here for much more than a year. and i just left a community i loved and i miss my friends and family in other places and i'm lonely and confused."
so the first option makes me sound very happy-go-lucky-optimistic and the second makes me sound bratty, angsty, and ungrateful - and i feel a little shameful that i actually really believe both to be true. ideally, i would not be one of those people who is way too cheerful nor the person who's way too bratty, but alas, it seems that i am. i can honestly say i believe each of the above statements to be true, at the same time. it's sort of messing with my mind (much like "lost" - ahhh there IS a purpose to all my tv-viewing)
back to my meeting w/ the our new director - so after i gave my nice, neat answer about liking work, she just kind of stared at me and my heart started beating faster and i didn't know if i should keep talking or laugh (probably not - i'm pretty sure i laugh more than is professional), so i just sort of uncrossed my legs and crossed them again and awkwardly took a drink of water in an attempt to avert her glare, and finally she started talking again and i was relieved. and she just told me about how this year is hard - it's hard to leave your college community, and it's hard to go to work with people who know what they're good at, and who know how to do what they're good at, and meanwhile i just sit there and think i'm too inexperienced for this. so it was actually a really good conversation, and i was glad that she seemed to care about me on a personal level, and that she understood where i was without me having to tell her.
i remember being at work in kenya, and i would always get SO ANNOYED because my co-workers would talk and drink tea too much (or so i thought) and when i wanted to get something done, they didn't always see the need to get it done right away. of course, i'd heard that relationship-buildling is valued more than productivity, and i thought i'd be OK with that. but then, when i really wanted to get some work done, i would be like "OH MY GOSH i can't do this" and i'd feel bad that i was so bad at working there, and so unfit and unpatient and i suddenly realized that something i had always thought i was good at i was maybe not so good at. and not willing to be good at.
i sort of digress... but the point is, during my meeting with this woman, i thought, "wow! she really values relationships above productivity!" and then i was just very unsure of how to proceed with the conversation, because i didn't want her to think that i just want to sit around and talk all day and not do my work.
ok i am going in too many directions mentally right now, so i'm going to need to stop. i guess the main thing i'm thinking about right now is what am i good at and what do i love. and if that topic and this post totally do not relate, don't worry - you're not crazy. i feel like in my heart and mind, i just have many different glasses full of things i'm thinking about right now - and in writing this entry, i've taken a few of the glasses and dumped all their contents out (yes, out onto blogger.com), and i've taken other glasses and dumped a little bit out, and i've just completed ignored other (though not any less important) glasses because i'm only writing a blog entry, not a novel. so if this entry doesn't meet my goal of connecting to other people, it has at least met my other goal of free therapy.
also, i'm thinking of taking up a musical instrument (mom, you were right when told me i'd regret quitting piano lessons!), so i'm taking suggestions for which instrument i should try. i'm hoping the fact that i used to be marginally musical means it won't be insanely hard to start learning something. some things to consider: i used to play piano and trombone (though i wasn't great at either) and i can no longer read music. also i do not currently own any instrument, so probably not the organ or bass or anything cumbersome like that.
ok that's it. my brain's fried. i WILL be more focused about writing in this regularly!
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