i still need to go grocery shopping...

first of all, i apologize if this makes no sense at all. if it's any consolation to you, it makes a lot of sense in my head.

i went to see "doubt" last night and i want to write about it before it starts to fade from my memory (i think it's already fading - i'm pretty sure i'm starting to lose my memory).

anyway, it was a great movie - probably mostly because of the fantastic acting. meryl streep is always great, and philip seymour hoffman and amy adams were both really good as a seedy-ish possible pedophile and a naive, idealistic woman, respectively (probably because i feel like they might actually be like that in real life).

anyway, it was so good. i went with two friends, and we talked about the movie the entire way home - which took a while since it was snowing and we were in chicago. it was so interesting, because obviously the main theme of the movie is (spoiler!) doubt. but then, there are just so many things that get piled on top - race, gender struggles, faith, homosexuality, the church, compassion, justice and mercy, family problems, feminism, power, manipulation, annnnnnnnnd the list goes on forever. seriously, i was like, are they going to reveal that amy adams' character has a crack habit or something, too? (spoiler #2: this didn't happen)

so the movie was done so well, but it just seemed like they would bring up this huge theme and then one character would say "oh yeah blah justice blah" and the other character would say "um mercy, also" and then they'd move on. (i'm expecting my pulitzer any day now). i'm assuming that people who haven't seen doubt will not know why my thoughts seem so scattered, but hopefully those of you who have will maybe see where i'm going with this? no? mmk. anyway, the movie is great, but leaves you feeling unsatisfied. like, yes, it was well-acted, well-written, beautiful to watch, a good story. but there was just so much more and i just wished it were a 10-part series or something. several times i just wanted to pause the movie and say "um hi meryl? please do another scene about the gender struggles in the catholic church in the 60s. this seems fascinating and i wish you would delve deeper into that." ahh if only there had been a Q&A at the end!

the more i think about this movie, the more i find it resonating with where i am in life. not the subject matter, but how it made me feel. for those 2 hours, i felt like, whoa - the way this movie made me feel is the way life often makes me feel. like there are so many things that i want to think about and do every day. it's overwhelming to think of life as just this infinite series of possibilities, and there are so many things that are fighting for your attention all the time, and how do you figure out what's the most important? and sometimes i wish i could spend entire days just picking something i'm interested in and immersing myself in it. but i can't, because i wake up, go to work, drive home, eat dinner, and then i only have a small amount of time to devote to my own ideas. and honestly, half the time is spent wasting time on the internet or watching tv. and how do you live a life in which you can't live out your passions (and things you find important) when you have to spend most of your time doing things that you aren't sure fit that?

i guess that's how life is a lot. i finished the movie and felt satisfied. it was great, i learned, i gained more perspective, i was entertained, i was a little bored at times (not so different from real life) but i also felt unsatisfied. there was so much more i wished could've happened in the movie. i didn't get to know the characters well enough. i learned more - but at the same time, part of what i learned is that i know less now than i thought i did before. and i saw something i wanted to learn more about. and i wanted it to just go on longer and give me more understanding and make me feel more aware of other people, but that wasn't possible. it's a movie. i may want it to be longer, but it can't and shouldn't be, because it has to fit a certain mold. it was 2 hours long (although, before the movie, there was a preview for the new "che" movie, which is being released in 2 parts, which just seems like cheating to me. the public shouldn't have to pay $20 just because the director can't edit more effectively. i digress.) the story was told in a specific way, and that was it. and that's how life is, i think. the day ends and i think, ah i could've done so much more today! i could've grown more, tried to understand people better, loved more, listened more... but i didn't. and in some ways, i guess it's good to feel unsatisfied like that at the end of the day, because it can be channeled into personal growth. or it can just make you feel bad about yourself when the next day is exactly the same. but at the same time, we only have so much time and energy each day, and there's no way to deal with everything that could and should be dealt with in life. it's not that all things aren't important, it's just a tricky thing - trying to figure out what can and should take up your mental energy each day. a friend of mine recently sent me an email, in which she wrote, "... I was becoming overwhelmed with the enormity of it all. Today I was reminded that we are merely blessed to do things that bring glory to Him, not to bring attention to ourselves. So often we want it the other way." that was something i really needed to hear. it's one of those things that i hear over and over and over but it's SO hard to just let it sink in and believe. i guess the challenge is always being aware that there are so many issues that are so important, and people i need, and things i want to do - but that i can't deal with everything in its fullness every single day. and that's ok, i think. critical thinking is extremely important (and a command, i believe), but i also need to constantly reminded that it's very important to be content with the blessing of doing any little thing for God.

sidenote: i'm watching this new d.l. hughley show on cnn. i have so many questions: why is cnn trying to be funny? is it the writing that's horrible, or is d.l. just not funny at all? are you still considered a comedian if you laugh at your own jokes more than the audience does? i definitely laugh at my own jokes more than other people do... but then, i'm not trying to host a comedy show on cnn. i would like to host a serious show on cnn though. how do you get that job?? end sidenote.

oops just kidding - i just laughed at one of his jokes. GAH i hate myself. i don't know what this says about me.

when you have brownies and red wine for dinner, you know it's time to go grocery shopping

ooh i'm getting really bad at keeping up with this. i blame the winter. by the time i get home every night, it's dark and cold and all i want to do is put on my sweats and go to bed.

i don't really remember ever hating winter - except for junior year of college, when i had 10-minute walks to campus at 7:45 a.m. in the freeeeeeeezing cold - but this year, i think i've officially had enough. i love snow, but frankly, i don't know if it's worth it anymore. the real world doesn't grant snow days, i no longer have the energy/time to go sledding or play in the snow (also i'm not sure when it stops becoming socially-acceptable to play in the snow - so many "kid" things become OK again in college, but then after college? i think it's time to stop), and i don't live near any good skiing places. so, basically, i get nothing out of snow. my usual 30-minute drive from work took an hour today. i had to boil a pot of water and then pour it on my car to get my door to unfreeze yesterday. so, i am taking suggestions of places to move to that AREN'T miserable from december-march.

so today at work, we had an external evaluator come to... evaluate things, i guess. i wasn't directly involved (or so i thought). i did, however, have to dress up for the event, as i have to do tomorrow and thursday, too. dangit. first of all, can i say that my workplace dresscode is pretty casual (like, a former employee often wore sweatpants. granted they looked like regular black pants at a distance, but... sweatpants). anyway, so this summer when i started working, i enjoyed wearing cute summery dresses to work. coming from a college lifestyle of wearing jeans all the time, it was nice to dress up a little bit every day. but then... it just got annoying. i used to go to bed so early because i wasn't used to waking up at 7 a.m., but now that i'm used to working and i don't go to bed at 9 p.m. every night, i am not getting as much sleep so am consequently less willing to wake up in time to shower, put make-up on, do my hair, pick out a cute outfit, etc... many mornings i wake up 15 minutes before i have to leave, brush my teeth, wash my face, throw on the first nice-ish, semi-matching outfit i can find, and leave the house. but today, since we had a special visitor, i thought i should make a bigger effort than usual. so, i looked very professional and nice and be-make-upped. like, i'm talking button-down shirt, sweater, tights, heels (HEELS!), and jewelry that cost more than $4. but then, of course, one of the buttons on my skirt fell off which created a higher-than-"office-appropriate" slit in my skirt. and do i carry a sewing kit? of course not. also, i realized that i forgot to take off my extremely chipped navy-blue nail polish, so that's not super professional. i was trying to hide my hands during our staff meeting w/ our special guest, but when i'm in professional settings, i tend to talk with my hands A LOT, so that didn't work. so there were some small failures.

anyway, it was interesting meeting with this guy, because i feel like work can be pretty ho-hum. you just sort of get into a routine and just do your work. but this guy was very... umm kind of like a business hippie or something. he just kept talking about how he wanted to be a "critical friend" and he didn't want to get into specific objectives - he just wanted to talk about big-picture stuff like goals and missions and dreams and hopes and whatnot. of course, later he threw me off guard when he started grilling me about stats and facts and figures and i was like WHOA curvelball i'm not prepared. but for the most part, he was very relaxed and calm and non-threatening. we did this exercise where he asked us to draw 3 circles - signifying the organization's past, present and future - however we envisioned the organization. and it was a little bit uncomfortable because we just don't really do things like that. it was really cool though. i wish we just had a full-time "critical friend" who wandered the office and asked us how things were going and challenged us to think about things in new ways. not like, "well could you find a faster way to seal those envelopes?" but actual, real issues that go deeper than surface-level task-y things. and maybe someone who would just encourage us to talk about serious issues and go play a game when we all need something to pep us up for the afternoon. maybe that place is called kindergarten? or google? they've got it right, i think. so, i'm trying to be pro-active. the longer i've been working, the more i realize you have little-to-no control over how other people act, but you can shape the way you approach your job. that's an outlook that i definitely don't have all the time, but i need to.

anyway... i'm watching anderson cooper right now - and you know, he just seems like a fascinating person. and also, he's a very attractive older man. not that that's why i watch him. but i just feel like, what a fascinating job it must be to just be in the middle of stuff. to witness things (as we all do) but have the platform to just question and discuss and get people interested in big issues. and just randomly go places and live with different people and hear their stories. and i love him because he seems so much more honest than typical newspeople.

also, i love that the two stories coming up after the break are 1. the madoff fraud situation and 2. what kind of puppy will the obama girls get? my vote is for a boxer, but seriously? how do you talk about those two stories in the same breath? how does number 2 even mean anything to anyone besides those 2 girls (and granted, it will be their most loyal/least judgmental friend, but come on - who else even needs to know this?)

i don't know why i'm on this topic.

so i shouldn't brag, but i have to share yet another reason why our landlady is the most amazing person ever. today, after my awful drive home from work, i was very annoyed. i hated snow and driving. but THEN as i was walking up the steps, i saw a box addressed to my roommates and myself. what could this be?? of just a box of GOURMET BROWNIES from our landlady! do landlords generally buy christmas present for their tenants? i'm pretty sure they don't, but then, our anita is no ordinary home-renter. she is fantastic. and also, there is an actual company called "Fairytale Brownies." so, look into that. they're amazing.

peanut butter, peace

reason #5908235470 cats are worse pets than dogs: they don't take their pills with peanut butter. so i just wasted a spoonful of peanut butter and half a cat-thyroid-problem pill because the cat seems disgusted by peanut butter. come on, cat! who doesn't love peanut butter? these cats, that's who.

anyway, i apologize for not writing in this enough. i've started to write a couple of times since my last post, but i either just got annoyed at how weird i thought i sounded, or i just couldn't come up with one good thing to write, so i stopped. and i know that's really bad of me... the more i write, the better i feel. and not that i always need to feel good or happy - but writing a lot does just make me feel like i've released what i need to release. i guess that's the best way i can put it.

so what has happened recently... probably the most exciting thing was church on sunday.

i went to a new church (i've been looking for a new church in the area - but that's a whole other blog post) and just loved it. the message was really great; it was just exactly what i needed to hear. the pastor talked about peace - jesus' peace versus the world's peace. i am not normally a big note-take during church, but he said so many things that i really wanted to write down and go back to later. one of the most interesting points, that really stuck with me, was this: "Jesus didn't intend for us to live in the peace the world has to offer - He came so we could live in the peace that HE brings." he went on to talk about how we tend to think of peace as just one general concept. as christians, when we talk about peace or pray about peace, we tend to not make a distinction between the peace the world wants and the peace Jesus brings.

this was a really interesting idea to me. i've gone to church my whole life and i went to a christian college, so to be honest, i tend to get kind of arrogant about sermons, christian writing, etc... i feel like i've heard so much that i'm rarely surprised by something new. it's easy to approach sermons with judgment or apprehension, because then you don't really have to let them affect your life. i can feel good about myself, knowing that i went to church or read a christian book or went to a bible study - but i don't really have to change anything in my life, because, well, i don't know if i totally agree, or i feel like i've heard that message a million times already. i guess this is one of the negative things about having been so immersed in the christian subculture for the past four years (although the positive things far outweigh the negative, there are still some negatives! or at least, things to be cautious about). so anyway, the message this sunday was really good - because i felt like God was telling me "you don't know everything!" which is incredibly obvious. but clearly, i tend to forget it. whenever i hear/read/see a christian perspective and look at it with contempt, negativity, or judgment, i am proving that i think i DO know everything.

the concept of peace is so interesting. i'm sure every christian has, at one point or another, prayed for peace - in the context of a relationship, a global conflict, or something inbetween. but what KIND of peace are we praying for, exactly? if you're like me, then you're probably praying for the hippie kind of peace. like, let's just all learn to love one another. not that that's a bad thing at all (because it's a very good thing!), but, it's very human-focused. it's like, we can all solve this if we just love each other. when i think about all the times i've prayed for peace (whether it was about a friendship or a war), i am thinking about it totally in terms of PEOPLE bringing peace to the situation. but then, why am i even praying? if i think - subconciously or not - that problems can be solved by people simply treating one another with respect and love, why do i feel the need to pray about that?

i think it's fairly clear, when looking at the course of history, that humans simply are not good at bringing peace to situations on their own. in fact, we are really, really bad at it. why do we look to figures like martin luther king jr. and mother teresa and call them "peace-makers"? i think it's because they were some of the rare people who could be and were actually peaceful people. if everyone were like that, we wouldn't have to look to these historical figures as examples, because it would just be the norm for everyone to be that way. and even if we can be peace-makers on our own, how long does that last? until another conflict comes around? certainly even mlk jr. and mother teresa went through times of wanting to wring someone's neck. nobody can keep that peacefulness up all the time - and definitely not on their own. i don't care how much of a saint you are. we simply cannot do this on our own. clearly, we need to the peace of Jesus - and that is not the same as the peace of the world. i don't know that i'd ever quite made that distinction, at least not in the way that it is now making sense to me.

so i'm not quite sure what exactly all this means. it made me reconsider some of the political views i hold (not change them, really - but think about). i wouldn't call myself a democrat or republican (i am still in the idealistic-college-student mentality of feeling unsatisfied by choosing a political party, i suppose), but i do tend to support more liberal candidates and policies. i voted for obama and am extremely happy that he won (please don't be turned off by this if you don't agree - i promise to not talk about politics anymore!), and i voted for him for many reasons, but i do think one reason was that i was very encouraged and excited by his messages of peace and hope... and, well, those things are great. but they are not even close to the same as the peace and hope of Jesus. if am i clinging to the ideology of a group of people who want to see peace, i should not feel too secure. while earthly peace is a good thing, i think it detracts me from seeking TRUE peace - the peace only Jesus can bring. when He is graciously offering His peace that i could never dream of bringing to myself, why would i ignore that simply to attempt to bring about earthly peace that has no chance of lasting? this realization hasn't really changed my political views, so much as it's just made me realize our deep, deep, ridiculously huge need for Christ.

well i didn't mean to turn this into a long rambly theological thing... and i am no biblical scholar, so please feel free to add to this or criticize it or whatever you want to do!

peace to you - the Jesus kind :)

more adult things i've yet to grasp

the meshing of childhood and adulthood continues.

today at work we had a pizza party - which reminded me of being in middle school, when there would always be the fundraisers to see who could sell the most magazine subscriptions or something, and the class that raised the most money would win a pizza party (and the envy of every other class). what i realized today is that grown adults love free pizza parties almost as much as 11-year-olds. which is a good thing, i think. it's nice to see that some little pleasures always stay exciting.

of course, at adult pizza parties, there's much more discussion about how bad the pizza is for you. (hint: parties are not as fun when people start talking about the caloric contents of the food - we all understand that pizza hut's grease-soaked food is not exactly "healthy" but it is also "lunch we don't have to pay for" so let's just be positive, shall we?)

i'm friends with several people at my work, and i would say i'm on friendly terms with everyone, but when you get the entire office together (11 people total), the lunch conversation can be a little awkward. i've noticed that people at work tend to be either incapable or afraid of discussing things other than work during "social" times. it's almost as if we're afraid of candid moments. "hey marie! have you finished the account reconciliation for november yet?" is NO problem, but "hey marie! have you seen any good movies lately?" = WHOA. that's uncharted territory. you never know what you're going to get from those kind of questions.

i definitely have felt awkward about making small talk with co-workers that i don't work near and don't know very well. when the olympics were on (i LOVE the olympics), i would come into work and, in an effort to make small talk and make friends since i was new at work, i'd say something like "so wasn't michael phelps awesome last night??? that race was SO amazing!" to which i would get a reply like "what? oh yeah, i think i heard his name on the news this morning or something... i don't really get into the olympics." i won't even go into how people can have that sort of apathy toward the olympics -the olympics!!! - but that was probably the moment when i realized that office small talk can be difficult and awkward. because these people are my co-workers (or bosses - YIKES) so i couldn't really just say, "you aren't watching michael phelps? do you hate having JOY in your life? do you not understand historically-significant events?" because that wouldn't have just made me a blunt person, but it could have also had some unfortunate repercussions for my professional/financial state... but, what do you say to someone who didn't spend one week of august being totally excited about michael phelps? i was at a loss. how do you make small talk with people that you see for most of your waking hours, but you don't ever discuss non-work-related things with? this is a big challenge. i am not used to being professional, either, so my efforts to be excited about other things (movies, music, the olympics!) are not always received as warmly as i would expect. anyway, i don't know why it's so hard to talk about things that aren't work-related. we know that talking about work matters is comfortable, since we do it so often. so it's difficult to break out of this cycle of only discussing work.

however, once you had everyone sitting around a table together at today's party, eating pizza and getting a little hopped up on pop, the conversation started to loosen up a little bit! meaning you can move past "work talk" on to... the weather! and the mortage crisis! stories about peoples' children! and maybe (if everyone's feeling brave enough) the fluctuating gas prices! wow, it's almost too much to handle.

weather seems to be the safe, obvious topic to discuss, but that gets old quickly. yes, it's cold outside. we've all experienced chicago winters and we know that they're A. cold and B. miserable. check and check. yes, these things are obvious, but they're also safe for small talk, so they're brought up constantly (i am definitely guilty of using the standby "try to stay warm!" line that nobody actually thinks is funny. i just can't get past that. i wish i didn't have to say it so often, but it just... comes out before i can stop myself). today at lunch we had a discussion about how many inches of snow we're supposed to get tonight. it went something like this:

bill: "so... more snow's on the way tonight, eh?"
gina: "i heard we're supposed to get 3-5 inches of snow tonight"
roger: "oh really? this morning they were saying 2-4 inches"
darlene: "well i heard we were supposed to get about 6!"

meanwhile everyone else just sort of nods and tries to decide whether they have anything to add to the conversation, so as to avoid the impending awkward lull that's about to kill this scintillating discussion. have i checked weather.com recently? do i have a funny story about a snowstorm? can i make a joke about how i hope it snows so much tonight that the office will be closed tomorrow, without making it sound like i'm lazy and just don't want to be at work? these are the questions that probably run through everyone's mind... and a few seconds later, the answer to the question "can anyone come up with something interesting (but not too deep) to add to the discussion of how many inches of snow we may or may not get tonight?" is a resounding no. nobody has anything interesting to add to the conversation. some may try... but they are quickly shot down by pity (albeit polite) laughter and a lack of eye contact.

another big topic amongst the office crowds (or at least my office - i don't mean to generalize here, although i think some of these things are probably applicable to other workplaces), is the economy. fantastic. our economy that's in a recession. that's exactly what i was hoping we'd talk about during our party. anyway, today everyone decided to talk about interest rates - what rate they got their mortgage at and what a good credit card interest rate is. i don't have a mortgage or a credit card, nor do i plan to have either anytime in the near future, so i had nothing to add. as i took part in this conversation (and by "took part," i mean that i ate my pizza, feigned interest in the topic, and every once in a while i nodded and said something ambiguous like 'ohh huh, that's interesting'). i found that taking part in a conversation like that was, for me, much like being a person who knows nothing about basketball rules watching a basketball game. when you're at a basketball game, sometimes there's someone sitting nearby who clearly doesn't understand the game very well, but they really want to be involved in the experience. so they cheer or boo, but only after hearing the cheers or boos of those sitting around them. if they were to watch the game alone, they wouldn't understand the fouls called or the hand signals of the refs. they wouldn't know whether to be happy or upset with the calls. that's why they need the crowd around them to tell them how to feel. that's the way i felt at this meeting. people would say things like "when i bought my home in 1994, we had to pay a 15% down payment," and, if i were forced to react on my own, without the help of my co-workers responses, i would be done-for! i have no idea if that's good or bad. luckily, after each statement such as the ones above, there would be a communal "oh really? that's so great!" or "oh, that's terrible" which would serve as my indicators for how to react (i was always a half-step behind on the reactions due to this little game i had to play) - every once in a while, someone would make a statement about an interest rate that wasn't particularly shocking, and it was difficult to get a read of the crowd's reaction... was this good or bad? i wasn't sure. nobody was giving me a conclusive facial/verbal signal. at that point, i would simply look down at my plate and take another bite of pizza.

and this is the reason that having food is an absolute necessity at all office gatherings. preferably something unhealthy (it gives you something else to comment on).

i warned you about the gossip girl addiction...

so i started to write a new entry last night, and then got sidetracked by gossip girl (so good but also the reason i'm afraid to someday have a daughter) - then i intended to finish the entry, but my wireless wasn't working. or something. i don't really understand computers. but it was very late and i was laying in bed trying to figure out what my laptop was doing, and i just felt like i was going to fall asleep with my face on my keyboard if i didn't go to sleep soon. so i did. and i've already failed in my goal of writing a post each day - oops! i will be more intentional from now on. there's no angsty omg high school melodrama to distract me tonight!

i don't really have a clear idea of what to write about tonight, so i'll just ramble and see where it goes.

like any person (i'm guessing) i spend a lot of time thinking about what i have, what i don't have, and what i want. even though i am constantly surrounded by what i DO have, i probably spend much more time thinking about everything i don't have. the things that i should value so much don't even cross my mind most days, like my health, the fact that i have food to eat and a house to live in, my basic civil rights, etc... but then i have a day like yesterday, when my legs hurt real bad (like napoleon's lips. honeslty, it was distracting. i couldn't focus at work), and i was suddenly very thankful that i am generally in good health. when my biggest health problem is that i think i have RLS every once in a while (this is probably a mental health problem, as well), i think i need to be taking more time to give thanks.

in church on sunday, our pastor (at my home church in MI) talked a lot about thankfulness, and how being able to recognize things you're thankful for will make you realize how much you have to be thankful for. it's easy to just go about life without once thinking about all these parts of your life that you need and love. this is something i - and probably a lot of other people - don't really do as often as i should. so in an effort to change my attitude and heart, i will now look around the living room i'm sitting in and make a list of things i'm really thankful for - solely listing things that i see or that i'm inspired by, just by looking around the living room. it may seem like i'm taking the whole "in the living room" thing too loosely, but i will explain myself in the parantheses.

1. cats (true, i really dislike them... but their presence means i live in a furnished home and pay low rent, so in a roundabout way, i am thankful for them)
2. the "mistletoe" yankee candle
3. being able to talk to friends and family even when they're not close - or when they are close (gchat)
4. college basketball (on tv)
5. warmth (socks, sweats)
6. ability to read (books)
7. growing up in a country/society/family that values education and allowed me to learn by reading (books)
8. the joys of being immersed in a story (for the third time, books)
9. electricity
10. an already-furnished rental home
11. laughter (funny movies)
12. friends who share your sense of humor (all 3 of us - myself and my two roommates - have "school of rock" on our DVD shelf)
13. humility ("blue like jazz" is on our bookshelf - i refused to read this book for a while because it was just too... christian-pop-culturey for me. but then i read it in less than a day and loved it.)
14. ability to see (watching tv)
15. ability to hear (hearing dick vitale's screaming on tv)
16. privacy (my own room, which is right next to the living room)
17. clean water (drinking it right now)
18. family (a blanket i received in a care package my freshman year of college, which currently graces the couch)
19. ability to smell (that mistletoe candle is sooooo good, it must be mentioned twice)
20. imagination, joy, excitement, overall fantastic literary experiences (harry potter - on the bookshelf)
21. peoples' quirks (some of the interesting decor our landlady left in the house...)
22. safety (smoke alarm)
23. self-sufficiency (i installed that smoke alarm)
24. ability to type
25. hair ties (on my wrist right now - seems obvious and silly, but really, what did girls used to hold their hair back with? i remember thinking about this when i used to play with felicity, my american girl doll. what did they use back then? a ribbon - seriously? i'm sure an insufficient ribbon-tied ponytail didn't stay in too long when those girls were off playing... whatever they did back then)

thankfulness is an interesting concept. i think it's one of those things that american christians often mess up - myself included, definitely. like, i could say "i'm so thankful for X" (X being any number of material things we all have) - but should we really be thankful for those things? it seems that we must reconcile a lot of ideas... for instance, i am thankful for my laptop that i'm currently typing on, because it provides me with the ability to communicate with friends and family, music, pictures, emotional outlets (such as this very blog), creative outlets (hopefully this blog? you be the judge) - but also, i must consider, do i even need this? could i sell it and give the money to someone or something else? my laptop is mainly benefiting myself, but the money i could get from it has the potential to benefit others. or, i could be using my laptop to do much more productive, beneficial things than what i normally use it for.

i was talking to one of my co-workers about this idea of buying things you don't really need today. we were talking about our shopping vices and i told her that i like to buy books. i normally don't like collecting things; i think i'm pretty good at getting rid of things that i don't use a lot. but, i do like having lots of books, i want to have a big collection, because there's a small part my heart that really thinks i might someday have a home with a library (think "beauty and the beast," complete with the rolling ladder - the rolling ladder is necessary). granted, i've never seen a home with a library like that in real life (but the animiated version is pretty fantastic), but i think i like the idea of having books - some of which i've never even read - because, well... i want to be belle. so that's kind of ridiculous and delusional, but also indicative what type of girl i am (an independent, free-thinking "belle" - in contrast to the lesser disney princesses, in my opinion) and the way that my favorite childhood movie has influenced my personality which has influenced my ideals which has influenced what i think i maybe want in my forthcoming "stable" adult life which has influenced my irrational desire to have a lot of books that i have only read once (if that) and probably will never again. anyway i have no idea where i'm going with that. but it's a weird glimpse into my psyche, so take from it what you will. empathize with me? pray for me? both?

i guess i'm just trying to say that it's often difficult to differentiate the good and bad in material things. for example: starbucks (because i have of experience with this one)

good: "i'm supporting a business that provides lots of jobs w/ good benefits"
bad: "it also exploits the people, land, and economies of some poor countries"
good: "talking with friends at a coffeeshop is a communal, relationship-building thing"
bad: "it's ridiculous to pay over $4 for a cup of coffee"
good: "but it's really good coffee"
bad: "but it's still just coffee"
good: "spending money there is stimulating the economy and keeping companies in business"
bad: "spending money there is perpetuating crazy amounts of consumerism, as well as unhealthy paternalistic relationships with countries they get their coffee from" (i don't think it's all fair trade...)
good: "but the red cups at christmastime!"
bad: "i might be messed up if i'm buying coffee because i like the cup it comes in" seriously. yeah that's not great for me.

anyway, this is a back-and-forth that could apply to so many of the materialistic desires we have. right now i guess i'll go with.... everything is complicated. is that too relativistic?

so anyway, continuing on about material things... one thing i rarely consider, but need to consider is - do they distract me too much from other things - like relationships with other people, my relationship with God? does they distract me too much? i do see my laptop as, overall, a good thing (although my internet surfing could/should be reduced), but there are so many complexities to explore each time you say you're thankful for a material thing. family, friends, experiences - i think it's OK to be totally thankful for those things. but consumer goods? i don't know; that's more difficult. i'm not sure what the answer (if there even is one) is here. it's a complex issue that i don't have a handle on yet. thoughts?

alright that's it for now. i have no idea how i just wrote so many things, because it seems it was just one hour ago (it was) that i was staring at this blank screen with no idea what to write. so thank you for reading, and i hope it was sufficiently coherent!

this is for you, mom

i have a grocery budget. i spend half of this money at starbucks.

i have a PPO. i don't really know what this means.

i'm flossing more than i used to. i mainly do this because i'm too lazy/scared to have to find a dentist.

i went to a 21+ concert recently. i also recently saw high school musical 3 twice.

there are people my age working on wall street. there are people my age starring in disney channel shows.

somewhere between the first and second sentences of those phrases above is where i am right now in life. seemingly, i'm an adult. i do "adult" things. i have a job. i appear adult-like. but i'm not all there yet. i'm young. i'm not grown up - partly because i don't want to be, and partly because i don't know how to be. so i guess i'm in a transition. i'm in this weird liminal state of feeling young in an adult world, and feeling like an adult in a young world. i am somewhere in the middle. not in the "i'm-not-a-girl-not-yet-a-woman britney-spears circa 2002" way, but in a "how-do-i-move-forward-and-become" sort of way. if that makes sense. if not, all that needs to be said is that i graduated from college 6 months ago and am now trying to figure out how to become a mature, smart, purposeful woman and also stay youthful, idealistic, and... me. i want to be a better, older me - but still me. and something's happening right now, because time continues to move forward, second by second, day by day. but the question is - who am i becoming as time goes on, and how do i live each day to become who i want to become? ok, those are two questions. i have lots of questions.

this blog is going to be random. like watching sex and the city - the scenes where carrie is sitting at in her apartment, her head cocked the the side, wearing something ridiculous and typing her newest column on her laptop. and her voice-over would say something obvious and weird and you wonder how she makes so much money as a writer, because her thoughts are jumbled and self-centered. but then, sometimes i watch that show and connect with her thoughts. and maybe other women (and men?) do sometimes, as well. so i guess it's all worth it. (sidenote: i have no idea what the point of that show actually it is - i might be going too deep with this)

anyway, my point of writing the previous paragraph (getting my writing started is always the hardest for me, so i apologize in advance for how poorly constructed my first thoughts are. i also apologize for my excessive use of paranthetical phrases and hypens - i love them - a lot), was just to give you, however many of you there are (1? 2?) an idea of what i'm doing in this blog. i process things well when i write them down. my most emotionally-healthy times in life - not the easiest or best, but the times when i most understand what God is doing in my life - are the times i write my thoughts each day. and it's been a while since i did that. the last few times i've written in my journal have been forced. actually i think the last time was the night of the election, because i wanted to be able to someday show my grandkids what i wrote the day we elected obama. however, i just re-read that entry and it turns out my thoughts on that night could've been written by a 10-year-old. it was a late night (my poor excuse for bad writing).

anyway, i love writing. i love what it does to me. and if it connects with you in any way, well then, that's only by the grace of God. and if it doesn't, at least it's therapeutic for me. back to the "carrie" analogy... for those of you who haven't seen the show, she is a writer who just kind of has these strange, interesting, mundane-if-you-walk-the-streets-of-new-york-every-day experiences, and then she writes a column for a newspaper... but she doesn't really write about her personal experiences. instead, she writes in a way that is extremely influenced by what those experiences have done to her. so the whole thing is kind of self-centered and touchy-feely and i often find myself very annoyed by her - but you can tell that by choosing to fully immerse herself in her writing, she comes to a certain level of self-awareness that most people don't have. so, that will kind of be how i approach this blog, although i will try my best to make it focused outward as well as inward. "try" being the key word, there. i am just going to write about things that i've gone through, and things that i'm currently going through, and try to make sense of it all. so i invite you to take part in my writing, and i really hope you do so! many of my friends are currently going through life experiences similar to mine right now - graduating from college, working at my first "grown-up" job (as i like to call it), and relating all too well with liz lemon's fear of investing money.

so i welcome any and all comments (i also welcome prayers) about anything! i love writing and am excited to get into the habit again, but i haven't taken a formal writing class since high school. i would love to grow as a writer so please feel free to leave comments or suggestions. also i don't like capitalizing and i've already discussed my love of these parantheses and hyphens, so please don't make me change those things.

one of the biggest things i learned in college is the how much a person's experiences color the way they view the world. our experiences make us who we are. so many of my strong opinions (or my wishy-washy, relativistic opinions, for that matter) come from specific experiences i've had - specific experiences i can easily pinpoint. but we all have different experiences, which is why i would love to hear what you have to say about my ramblings. i will try to be as honest and vulnerable as i can be, while still being aware that my thoughts and feelings are so tied to my recent experiences in life. so whether you are younger or older, your experiences and thoughts are helpful, so please feel free to share - either on this blog or to my email address (laurenehaney@gmail.com). and if nobody reads or responds to this, then i will still keep writing because it's free therapy! and real therapy is also good. but this is free and free things win for this young working girl.

ok. so now i'll briefly explain what i've done and where i hope to go with this whole endeavor...

i am recently 22 (officially the first birthday that made me feel like a real adult) and a recent college graduate. my college experience was incredible, in so many ways. i am both very relieved and incredibly sad to be done with it. but it had to end and i am excited to be slogging my way through this first year of post-college, because as confusing and frustrating and sad as it is, it is a year that must happen and it's good to be halfway through it.

i went to college not sure of what i wanted, but i was interested in writing, journalism, and english. after one english class, though, i realized that wasn't the "write" (haha! if you're dedicated enough to read my incredibly long notes, i'll reward you with puns and witty comments) route for me. (i was also 17 and thought dying my hair black was a good idea). i ended up studying business and economics, which wasn't totally "me" but actually was the right area of study for me. at a different school, i might have been frustrated with that choice of major, but at wheaton, it was great. i was able to learn about this field from a very strong christian perspective, which i think has really helped me gain a strong outlook on a very secular part of our world. and i constantly attempt to become more knowledgeable about economics, (i also subscribe to "the economist" in an attempt to be well-informed, and also, if i'm being honest, to appear well-read when i'm reading it on the treadmill at the gym) although i don't think that part of my brain functions as well as i would like. but i do try, and i am so thankful for each and every academic experience i had in college.

the most formative parts of my college experience were the relationships i formed and the overseas experiences i was able to have - more on these in later posts, i'm sure.

after graduation, i was excited. college is a bubble - which is not always bad but tends to be not great at the end of senior year - and i was ready to leave. until graduation day. and then i was just incredibly sad. but this is the beginning of the rest of my life! it's fun and free and i have a degree! i can do anything! but what happens when what you want to do (and the only thing you feel ready to do) is be with your friends and live in the community that has become home? how do you start a new community? can you join one? can you sort of stay in your old one? will that ease the transition, or just make you feel out of place? will you ever feel so... able to learn and grow and question? is the next stage of life just like the last one ("i integrated into a new community once - i can do it again!") or is it totally different? how long is this transition? is all of adult life a transition? if i ever stopped transitioning, would i be sad and feel trapped and then WANT to transition into something new? i don't know. these are the questions that swirl in my head every day. so if you're older and wiser, please let me know if these questions ever get answered. ok this is getting way too existential (philosophical people - feel free to add your deep thoughts here! i personally am getting a headache, though, so i'm going to stop).

so that's where i am. another random thought (sometimes my weird, random thoughts are the best ways to verbalize feelings that i can't quite articulate) - i am currently watching college basketball, and it is so strange to think that every person playing is younger than me. how weird is that?

well that's all i have for now. my goal is to write something new here each day, but i might miss days sometimes. if i do miss days, you can take that as a sign that i am unable or unwilling to articulate my thoughts on that particular day. or that i'm watching "gossip girl" and can't be bothered! just kidding. kind of. i don't really have a formula or a template for my writing. i don't know what i'll want to write about on any given day, but every entry will be an attempt to understand, learn about, grow from, and immerse myself in this transition.

thanks for reading!