i warned you about the gossip girl addiction...

so i started to write a new entry last night, and then got sidetracked by gossip girl (so good but also the reason i'm afraid to someday have a daughter) - then i intended to finish the entry, but my wireless wasn't working. or something. i don't really understand computers. but it was very late and i was laying in bed trying to figure out what my laptop was doing, and i just felt like i was going to fall asleep with my face on my keyboard if i didn't go to sleep soon. so i did. and i've already failed in my goal of writing a post each day - oops! i will be more intentional from now on. there's no angsty omg high school melodrama to distract me tonight!

i don't really have a clear idea of what to write about tonight, so i'll just ramble and see where it goes.

like any person (i'm guessing) i spend a lot of time thinking about what i have, what i don't have, and what i want. even though i am constantly surrounded by what i DO have, i probably spend much more time thinking about everything i don't have. the things that i should value so much don't even cross my mind most days, like my health, the fact that i have food to eat and a house to live in, my basic civil rights, etc... but then i have a day like yesterday, when my legs hurt real bad (like napoleon's lips. honeslty, it was distracting. i couldn't focus at work), and i was suddenly very thankful that i am generally in good health. when my biggest health problem is that i think i have RLS every once in a while (this is probably a mental health problem, as well), i think i need to be taking more time to give thanks.

in church on sunday, our pastor (at my home church in MI) talked a lot about thankfulness, and how being able to recognize things you're thankful for will make you realize how much you have to be thankful for. it's easy to just go about life without once thinking about all these parts of your life that you need and love. this is something i - and probably a lot of other people - don't really do as often as i should. so in an effort to change my attitude and heart, i will now look around the living room i'm sitting in and make a list of things i'm really thankful for - solely listing things that i see or that i'm inspired by, just by looking around the living room. it may seem like i'm taking the whole "in the living room" thing too loosely, but i will explain myself in the parantheses.

1. cats (true, i really dislike them... but their presence means i live in a furnished home and pay low rent, so in a roundabout way, i am thankful for them)
2. the "mistletoe" yankee candle
3. being able to talk to friends and family even when they're not close - or when they are close (gchat)
4. college basketball (on tv)
5. warmth (socks, sweats)
6. ability to read (books)
7. growing up in a country/society/family that values education and allowed me to learn by reading (books)
8. the joys of being immersed in a story (for the third time, books)
9. electricity
10. an already-furnished rental home
11. laughter (funny movies)
12. friends who share your sense of humor (all 3 of us - myself and my two roommates - have "school of rock" on our DVD shelf)
13. humility ("blue like jazz" is on our bookshelf - i refused to read this book for a while because it was just too... christian-pop-culturey for me. but then i read it in less than a day and loved it.)
14. ability to see (watching tv)
15. ability to hear (hearing dick vitale's screaming on tv)
16. privacy (my own room, which is right next to the living room)
17. clean water (drinking it right now)
18. family (a blanket i received in a care package my freshman year of college, which currently graces the couch)
19. ability to smell (that mistletoe candle is sooooo good, it must be mentioned twice)
20. imagination, joy, excitement, overall fantastic literary experiences (harry potter - on the bookshelf)
21. peoples' quirks (some of the interesting decor our landlady left in the house...)
22. safety (smoke alarm)
23. self-sufficiency (i installed that smoke alarm)
24. ability to type
25. hair ties (on my wrist right now - seems obvious and silly, but really, what did girls used to hold their hair back with? i remember thinking about this when i used to play with felicity, my american girl doll. what did they use back then? a ribbon - seriously? i'm sure an insufficient ribbon-tied ponytail didn't stay in too long when those girls were off playing... whatever they did back then)

thankfulness is an interesting concept. i think it's one of those things that american christians often mess up - myself included, definitely. like, i could say "i'm so thankful for X" (X being any number of material things we all have) - but should we really be thankful for those things? it seems that we must reconcile a lot of ideas... for instance, i am thankful for my laptop that i'm currently typing on, because it provides me with the ability to communicate with friends and family, music, pictures, emotional outlets (such as this very blog), creative outlets (hopefully this blog? you be the judge) - but also, i must consider, do i even need this? could i sell it and give the money to someone or something else? my laptop is mainly benefiting myself, but the money i could get from it has the potential to benefit others. or, i could be using my laptop to do much more productive, beneficial things than what i normally use it for.

i was talking to one of my co-workers about this idea of buying things you don't really need today. we were talking about our shopping vices and i told her that i like to buy books. i normally don't like collecting things; i think i'm pretty good at getting rid of things that i don't use a lot. but, i do like having lots of books, i want to have a big collection, because there's a small part my heart that really thinks i might someday have a home with a library (think "beauty and the beast," complete with the rolling ladder - the rolling ladder is necessary). granted, i've never seen a home with a library like that in real life (but the animiated version is pretty fantastic), but i think i like the idea of having books - some of which i've never even read - because, well... i want to be belle. so that's kind of ridiculous and delusional, but also indicative what type of girl i am (an independent, free-thinking "belle" - in contrast to the lesser disney princesses, in my opinion) and the way that my favorite childhood movie has influenced my personality which has influenced my ideals which has influenced what i think i maybe want in my forthcoming "stable" adult life which has influenced my irrational desire to have a lot of books that i have only read once (if that) and probably will never again. anyway i have no idea where i'm going with that. but it's a weird glimpse into my psyche, so take from it what you will. empathize with me? pray for me? both?

i guess i'm just trying to say that it's often difficult to differentiate the good and bad in material things. for example: starbucks (because i have of experience with this one)

good: "i'm supporting a business that provides lots of jobs w/ good benefits"
bad: "it also exploits the people, land, and economies of some poor countries"
good: "talking with friends at a coffeeshop is a communal, relationship-building thing"
bad: "it's ridiculous to pay over $4 for a cup of coffee"
good: "but it's really good coffee"
bad: "but it's still just coffee"
good: "spending money there is stimulating the economy and keeping companies in business"
bad: "spending money there is perpetuating crazy amounts of consumerism, as well as unhealthy paternalistic relationships with countries they get their coffee from" (i don't think it's all fair trade...)
good: "but the red cups at christmastime!"
bad: "i might be messed up if i'm buying coffee because i like the cup it comes in" seriously. yeah that's not great for me.

anyway, this is a back-and-forth that could apply to so many of the materialistic desires we have. right now i guess i'll go with.... everything is complicated. is that too relativistic?

so anyway, continuing on about material things... one thing i rarely consider, but need to consider is - do they distract me too much from other things - like relationships with other people, my relationship with God? does they distract me too much? i do see my laptop as, overall, a good thing (although my internet surfing could/should be reduced), but there are so many complexities to explore each time you say you're thankful for a material thing. family, friends, experiences - i think it's OK to be totally thankful for those things. but consumer goods? i don't know; that's more difficult. i'm not sure what the answer (if there even is one) is here. it's a complex issue that i don't have a handle on yet. thoughts?

alright that's it for now. i have no idea how i just wrote so many things, because it seems it was just one hour ago (it was) that i was staring at this blank screen with no idea what to write. so thank you for reading, and i hope it was sufficiently coherent!