i still need to go grocery shopping...

first of all, i apologize if this makes no sense at all. if it's any consolation to you, it makes a lot of sense in my head.

i went to see "doubt" last night and i want to write about it before it starts to fade from my memory (i think it's already fading - i'm pretty sure i'm starting to lose my memory).

anyway, it was a great movie - probably mostly because of the fantastic acting. meryl streep is always great, and philip seymour hoffman and amy adams were both really good as a seedy-ish possible pedophile and a naive, idealistic woman, respectively (probably because i feel like they might actually be like that in real life).

anyway, it was so good. i went with two friends, and we talked about the movie the entire way home - which took a while since it was snowing and we were in chicago. it was so interesting, because obviously the main theme of the movie is (spoiler!) doubt. but then, there are just so many things that get piled on top - race, gender struggles, faith, homosexuality, the church, compassion, justice and mercy, family problems, feminism, power, manipulation, annnnnnnnnd the list goes on forever. seriously, i was like, are they going to reveal that amy adams' character has a crack habit or something, too? (spoiler #2: this didn't happen)

so the movie was done so well, but it just seemed like they would bring up this huge theme and then one character would say "oh yeah blah justice blah" and the other character would say "um mercy, also" and then they'd move on. (i'm expecting my pulitzer any day now). i'm assuming that people who haven't seen doubt will not know why my thoughts seem so scattered, but hopefully those of you who have will maybe see where i'm going with this? no? mmk. anyway, the movie is great, but leaves you feeling unsatisfied. like, yes, it was well-acted, well-written, beautiful to watch, a good story. but there was just so much more and i just wished it were a 10-part series or something. several times i just wanted to pause the movie and say "um hi meryl? please do another scene about the gender struggles in the catholic church in the 60s. this seems fascinating and i wish you would delve deeper into that." ahh if only there had been a Q&A at the end!

the more i think about this movie, the more i find it resonating with where i am in life. not the subject matter, but how it made me feel. for those 2 hours, i felt like, whoa - the way this movie made me feel is the way life often makes me feel. like there are so many things that i want to think about and do every day. it's overwhelming to think of life as just this infinite series of possibilities, and there are so many things that are fighting for your attention all the time, and how do you figure out what's the most important? and sometimes i wish i could spend entire days just picking something i'm interested in and immersing myself in it. but i can't, because i wake up, go to work, drive home, eat dinner, and then i only have a small amount of time to devote to my own ideas. and honestly, half the time is spent wasting time on the internet or watching tv. and how do you live a life in which you can't live out your passions (and things you find important) when you have to spend most of your time doing things that you aren't sure fit that?

i guess that's how life is a lot. i finished the movie and felt satisfied. it was great, i learned, i gained more perspective, i was entertained, i was a little bored at times (not so different from real life) but i also felt unsatisfied. there was so much more i wished could've happened in the movie. i didn't get to know the characters well enough. i learned more - but at the same time, part of what i learned is that i know less now than i thought i did before. and i saw something i wanted to learn more about. and i wanted it to just go on longer and give me more understanding and make me feel more aware of other people, but that wasn't possible. it's a movie. i may want it to be longer, but it can't and shouldn't be, because it has to fit a certain mold. it was 2 hours long (although, before the movie, there was a preview for the new "che" movie, which is being released in 2 parts, which just seems like cheating to me. the public shouldn't have to pay $20 just because the director can't edit more effectively. i digress.) the story was told in a specific way, and that was it. and that's how life is, i think. the day ends and i think, ah i could've done so much more today! i could've grown more, tried to understand people better, loved more, listened more... but i didn't. and in some ways, i guess it's good to feel unsatisfied like that at the end of the day, because it can be channeled into personal growth. or it can just make you feel bad about yourself when the next day is exactly the same. but at the same time, we only have so much time and energy each day, and there's no way to deal with everything that could and should be dealt with in life. it's not that all things aren't important, it's just a tricky thing - trying to figure out what can and should take up your mental energy each day. a friend of mine recently sent me an email, in which she wrote, "... I was becoming overwhelmed with the enormity of it all. Today I was reminded that we are merely blessed to do things that bring glory to Him, not to bring attention to ourselves. So often we want it the other way." that was something i really needed to hear. it's one of those things that i hear over and over and over but it's SO hard to just let it sink in and believe. i guess the challenge is always being aware that there are so many issues that are so important, and people i need, and things i want to do - but that i can't deal with everything in its fullness every single day. and that's ok, i think. critical thinking is extremely important (and a command, i believe), but i also need to constantly reminded that it's very important to be content with the blessing of doing any little thing for God.

sidenote: i'm watching this new d.l. hughley show on cnn. i have so many questions: why is cnn trying to be funny? is it the writing that's horrible, or is d.l. just not funny at all? are you still considered a comedian if you laugh at your own jokes more than the audience does? i definitely laugh at my own jokes more than other people do... but then, i'm not trying to host a comedy show on cnn. i would like to host a serious show on cnn though. how do you get that job?? end sidenote.

oops just kidding - i just laughed at one of his jokes. GAH i hate myself. i don't know what this says about me.